I know weird right?
In my senior four vacation, I attended every
almost every overnight (all night prayer). Those that know my church know this
was no ordinary feat. There used to be on a good day 10 people in a cavernous
cathedral with only one drum and two hoarse and sometimes off key worship song
leaders and the endless hours of the night ahead.
In my senior years of my secondary education I was
at church every evening. My school was a walking distance away and so this was
not particularly hard. But I was there literally every evening even on days
when I was doing my final papers.
I volunteered for every mission and outreach program
or activity I could. I was part of the youth team responsible for camp prayer
and boy did we pray. I prophesied, dreamt dreams and saw visions. There were
words of knowledge and works of faith. I prayed for hours and read books by the
spiritually mighty, every biography or text about anointing, spiritual warfare,
gifts, prophecy, prayer, miracles and more was my daily reading diet. I was in
the mix. But I don’t do that any more.
What happened?
Did I backslide?
Have I lost something?
I don’t know?
I guess something snapped, broke, or shattered
into too many pieces to put back together. I don’t know. I just know that the
things that I used to do and feel so proud of I no longer do and care little
for. According to some I am less spiritual.
Do I still read my Bible? Yes. A little less
religiously but I peruse through it from time to time. It’s still difficult now
as it was back then. Do I still pray for hours? Yeah….if you combine all the
minutes and seconds that I fire questions and mumbles and random thoughts at
God, they do come to a couple of hours. I don’t do much of the outside
gymnastics though.
So this morning I woke up early and decided to
pray, asking God that I would be closer to him and such and the moment a
picture of that earlier spiritual lifestyle flashed into my head I recoiled. I don’t
want to be spiritual like that. Instead what I am now suits me. And what is
that? I will tell you.
I am broken. I am fed up. I am tired and I am
real. Why do I prefer it this way? Well it’s easier to live life. I don’t have
to prove anything to God or man. I don’t have to have it all together all the
time. I don’t have to know all the answers. Prayer is simplified. Faith is
simplified. Life is simplified. I don’t have to rack up "spiri"
points to qualify or do the "spiri" stuff to fit in. I don’t have to
walk the walk and talk the talk of the church simply that of the faith I have
chosen.
I sin a lot. I repent a lot. I am committed a
lot. I walk, I stumble, I fall and I crawl but ever forward is my motion. I am
unsure and uncertain most of the time but my next step is assured and illuminated
and that’s all that matters. I have no success; I need no success…well not in
the common understanding anyways.
I am hungry but I am full. I am weak,
constantly but aware that there is a power assigned to me. I don’t like going
to church or attending services except perhaps for the fellowship that follows
the religious gyrations of the service. I am steadfast but always changing,
evolving growing.
I know where I want to be, need to be but I am
content with where I am knowing that I am always a traveller, constantly pack
and ready even though the sojourn last a while. I am content with the house but
always looking out the window to the distance, waiting for the call, the
urging. Then I will gather my things, sweep my abode and walk, looking back no
further on towards what is real and truly spiritual…whatever God reveals that
to be.
