Sometimes we need to find one
single truth and hang on to it. Like an anchor in an out of body experience It
provides the tether that keeps you grounded; allows you freedom to venture out
but more importantly it allows you to find you way back to a safe place when
all the craziness of doubt sweeps in.
For many of us, that hope was the
idea that we were made for more. That our every step was ordered and despite
calamity the ending was written and we won. There was this grand scheme in
which, we were told, were an integral part, that without our involvement this
great cosmic plan would Fail and that because we were such an important part of
this plan all things would work out for our good.
This hope, this dream kept us
grounded. We limited our exposure to sin and temptation and tempered our flesh
with fasting and much prayer. We binged on the word as a stockpile of
ammunition against the bombardments the devil would surely send our way. We pushed through doubt, pain
and fear, cheered on by the camaraderie around us.
Then we grew up a little.
Suddenly the world was much bigger and out role in the cosmic plan grew larger.
But I suspect more than that we suddenly were cast into an arena where the
fastest and strongest survived. There was no room for weakness. The faith was
separated into echelons and you were at the bottom.
You are still part of the
machine, the great plan but you are such a small cog in a massive array of cogs
and wheels. But unlike a part of an actual machine, a piece of forged metal
that would merrily go spinning till infinitely, you are human, flesh, bone and
blood and feeling and at that realization( your smallness) you are feeling a
little lied to. I you were important but in light of all this you question your
importance.
And so still hoping you take you place
as part of the machine though your heart never really settles. A few spins and
you start to wonder what the heck this is all about. You can see the machinery
and hear it grind. You can feel the shudder and the shake and see the different
parts accomplish some task. Some days you even feel the forward motion, but
down here, in the heart of the belly of the beast all you see is wheels and
cogs spinning towards some unseen and unknown destination. You know someone is
driving but you haven the foggiest where or why.
I describe not the reality but
rather the feelings we sometimes have to wade through. We prostrate before a
God whose will and plan is absolute and even though he leans down and whispers
in our ears we fathom it not and so we believe, have faith and hope.
We chose to believe, have faith
and hope. That word choose…indeed choice is at the heart of this faith and we
actually do have the freedom to choose to keep following. That is for me the
real difference, the real reason that you should hang on; you CHOSE this faith.
And if per chance you accepted because of fear, group think etc you must always
chose or perhaps now decide to choose to stick to this faith.
Anyone who has followed my posts
will notice I never hide what is going through my head and heart whether it be
doubt or pain. BUT I am still here not because I saw some powerful vision or
revelation but because I chose this faith and even now, while choked by the
waves of this world I chose this faith hoping and believing that Jesus will
reach out his hand and pull me up. I cannot give up or give in because I chose
this path. And even if he does not save me, even now I still chose it….until
the day I do not.
