by David Murrow
Ladies, I feel your pain.
The dating scene in the church is grim. Christian colleges
are becoming convents. Churches all over the world report a shortage of men in
the pews – and it seems to be getting worse.
What about the singles' group at church? One woman put it
this way: "Well, about two thirds of the singles [at my church] are women,
and the men who come are kinda wimpy. Or creepy. There's a reason they're
single."
So I'll ask the question you've probably asked a thousand
times: Where are all the dynamic, single godly men?
Simple. We screened them out of the church as boys. Picked
'em off one by one.
The way we raised boys in the faith 20 years ago eliminated
the very kinds of men some women would love to be dating today.
What Happened?
There are only two possible explanations for the lack of men
in church – either A) men are more sinful than women, or B) there's something
about the church that's driving men away. The more I study men and church, the
more I'm convinced “B” is the more likely cause.
Metaphor time: you're standing in an asphalt plant. The
operator loads pebbles of every size into a hopper. The pebbles are shaken
through a series of screens that remove every stone that's either too large or
too small. The resulting gravel mix is perfectly suited to road surfacing.
Now, let's apply that metaphor to the local church. Children
of every kind come into the hopper. They are screened through children's
ministry and youth ministry. These programs remove the ones who are poorly
suited to church culture. The final mix of adult churchgoers is heavily female
and very short on high-testosterone men. But it's perfect for perpetuating the
church culture we presently know.
Screen 1: Sunday School
Little boys love going to church. There's no shortage of
lads in nurseries, Vacation Bible School and the lower grades of Sunday school.
But around the fourth or fifth grade, boys start disappearing, because that's
the age when males begin losing in church.
Losing in church? You didn't realize church was a competition, did you? Well, with boys everything is a competition. And it's a
contest most boys can't win. The rules of Sunday school are stacked against
them: sit still, read aloud, memorize, find passages in the Bible and receive
instruction from a female teacher. With rules like these, who's more likely to
win? Girls or boys?
By age 12, many boys have been losing in church every Sunday
for years. Females possess superior verbal skills, reading skills and finger
dexterity (for finding Bible passages). They can sit still longer and instinctively
know how to express themselves in small groups. The average girl is made for
Sunday school, whereas the average boy is made for the soccer field.
And that's where increasing numbers of young men can be
found on Sundays – kicking a ball, doing something they're good at. Many of the
dropouts are the wiggly, high-testosterone boys who grow up to become leaders,
athletes and alpha males. The kind of men many women would love to be dating
right now – if only there were more of them following Jesus.
Of course some boys do make it through Sunday school, where
they encounter the next screen: youth group.
Screen 2: Youth Group
When I was an adolescent, youth group was fun. It was based
on the three Gs: Games, Goofiness and God. We sang simple songs. We played
nutty games. The teaching time was brief but meaningful to teens. I loved it.
And it attracted a lot of guys. Church services were sometimes boring, but
youth group was always a kick. Youth leaders of the 1970s were almost always
men – that big brother role model the boys craved and the girls looked up to
(and had secret crushes on).
Fun and games are still a part of youth group, but there's
been pressure to make it more "spiritual" by increasing the amount of
time devoted to teaching. Singing time has also increased. And today many youth
groups are led by young women. These three trends are screening boys out. Let's
take them in reverse order:
Female youth leaders. Here's the politically incorrect truth
about teenage boys: Most young men will not follow a woman's leadership. There
is no example in Scripture of a woman discipling a young man. And women bring a
different style to youth group – more emotive, more introspective and more
focused on feelings. I'm not saying it's impossible for a woman to minister to
teenage boys, but she's at a disadvantage.
Lengthy worship sets. Praise and worship arrived in youth
group during the early 1990s. The goofy songs disappeared. Singing time
expanded to 30 minutes or more. The whole feeling changed from a fun group
activity to an intimate personal time with God.
The youth meeting is quickly evolving into a music-centric
experience. Teens stand in a darkened room and sing love songs to Jesus, led by
a praise band of their peers. Girls thrive in this emotional hothouse, but boys
melt and evaporate. Many guys stand in the crowd with their hands in their
pockets thinking, This is lame. Or, I'm supposed to like this, but I don't.
What's wrong with me? Before you know it, you've got 19 girls and five guys at
youth group. And there's not a jock among the guys.
Teaching. Youth leaders have come under intense pressure to
focus most of their teaching on sexual purity and relationships — often at the
expense of other topics. The pressure is coming from frightened parents who see
it as the youth leader's duty to get their children through high school without
a pregnancy or an STD.
This focus on sexual purity has morphed into a number of
peculiar teachings that alter the dating habits of young Christians – and drive
young men out of the church.
The anti-dating movement. Inspired by the bestselling book
by Joshua Harris, many young believers have decided to kiss dating goodbye.
Instead, they plan to someday enter into formal courtship arrangements with
potential mates, preferably under parental supervision, with an eye toward
marriage.
I'm not speaking against this practice, but you can see how
it might feel like a straightjacket to a young man. A nice fellow may be seen
as a wolf simply for asking a girl on a date.
The super-virginity movement. I know a number of Christian
couples who not only refused to have sex before marriage, they have shunned all
physical contact. No kissing. No hugging. Some even declined to hold hands
before their nuptials. The goal was to have their first kiss at the altar, as
they are pronounced man and wife.
Once again, I'm not condemning the practice. But
supervirginity requires the marrying man to take an enormous risk.
During courtship, the supervirgin couple explores their
spiritual, mental and emotional compatibility, but may not know if there's a
spark of physical passion between them. The supervirgin woman enters marriage
knowing exactly how her husband will respond mentally and emotionally (her
primary needs), but the supervirgin man has no idea how she will respond
physically (his primary need). Kissing, hugging and handholding are good
indicators of physical chemistry; take these away and a guy has no clue whether
he's marrying a red-hot tiger or a cold fish.
Of course, these things shouldn't really matter, because of
a third peculiar teaching that's rampant in the church today: God has prepared
one special person for you to marry. That's right: Jesus is our heavenly
matchmaker. You don't need to actively search for a mate; simply pray and God
will plop that perfect person down in front of you one day.
This crazy teaching has its genesis in Genesis — the only
two occasions in Scripture where God provided a specific wife for a specific
man. God gave Eve to Adam and provided Rebekah for Isaac. Both were special cases:
Eve was the mother of the human race, and Rebekah was the mother of the Hebrew
nation. Through the remaining 65 books of the Bible, God never arranges another
marriage. Nonetheless, youth leaders the world over point to these two
ancestral couples as proof that God preordains a special mate for each of us.
This bad snippet of theology causes all kinds of dysfunction
among young Christians. They fall in love and then pray intently: "God, is
this the one You have prepared for me?" God is silent. Hearing nothing,
they have two choices: walk away from a perfectly acceptable mate or marry
under a cloud of fear, terrified that they're outside of God's will.
A man can choose a Christian girlfriend with all her
fantasies and prohibitions, or he can choose a regular girlfriend who will
pucker up. Increasingly, even Christian men are choosing to date outside the
church. It may not be right; it's just easier.
Who's Left
The single men who survive the screening process generally
fit one of the following profiles:
1. The Bible geeks. Quiet, studious men who love to study
theological tomes. Or verbal guys who love to teach.
2. The musical. They play in the band. Or they stand on the
front row raising their hands during the music.
3. The asexual. Guys who are OK with kissing dating (and
kissing) goodbye.
4. The predators. Guys who know there are plenty of
desperate young women in church and enjoy trying to get them in bed.
If you're into these kinds of guys, then the church dating
scene isn't so bad. If not, then you'll have to fight over the most rare (and
for some, the most desirable) category of single churchgoing men: the late
converts.
These are men who came to Christ in their teens or 20s, bypassing
much of the screening process. Many were saved out of terrible sin. They have
been forgiven much and love God much. (These guys get snapped up quickly by the
best-looking women.)
Where Does That Leave Us?
By their senior year, girls are 14 percent more likely to
have participated in a youth group than boys. And they are 21 percent more
likely to have stayed involved in youth group all four years of high school.
Congratulations. The stage is set for the female-dominated church of the
future.
So what's the answer? We need a revolution in how we raise
boys in the faith. Sunday school and youth group are screening out men years
before they reach adulthood. Christians must have the courage to change these
institutions so regular, red-blooded boys are more likely to grow up in church.
I'm not saying we should pander to men, but would it be too much to accommodate
them?
Want some good news? The changes are already underway. My
next article will discuss the many ways churches are removing the screens — and
the amazing response they're seeing from young men.
Copyright 2012 David Murrow. All rights reserved. This
article was published on Boundless.org on January 25, 2012.
