Chasing your dreams III: Hello Fear (one more round)

I was quite miffed that I was. Seated in a friend’s Spartan living room, I was wracking my brain for the answer(s) to the question she just asked. “What would you do if you had one million dollars?” How do i explain this fire in my heart.

And right there is the heart of my quandary. When I was growing up choosing “full time” ministry was like the loftiest goal a Christian would have. Our scripture union heroes were those that had quit or passed over “lucrative” chances to serve God instead. That was true denial to self and true answering of the call of God.

Today it’s a different story. Men who chose the “ministry” are scrutinized more and those that blindly walk into a profession are only questioned if the number of zeros to their salary is requisite and if they are what figure is at the beginning. I do not know how many times I have been asked to make sure that ministry is really the path God has set for me.

I feel like a man stuck in a time warp of sorts. Here I was, in the prime of my life, in a game whose rules had been changed. I feel like I am taking part in a game with an outdated rule book as my guide and being given a thorough butt whooping.

The world and the church by extension applaud winners. Nobody remembers who comes second they say. If two people walk the same path and one succeeds and the other fails, well the one who succeeds is revolutionary while the loser was probably 'delusionary'…this was not his true calling.

You see failure(s) is no longer well received in today’s church either. It’s either condemned or soothed away with the message of grace. And as far as I saw it I was a failure. I was quitting a good job for ministry.

The response of the faithful to my decision to leave a “big” job in one of the leading corporations in town was nothing but confusing. I think part one of chasing your dream goes into detail of my fears and more but the one comment that stood out for me and today still rings in my ears was one made my a close friend. He said I was being lazy and did not want to work hard and was using church and ministry as an excuse.

That left me reeling both from the meaning of the statement and the person who had spoken. I am not sure I have truly fully recovered from that. It was the seed that I am now constantly fighting to uproot. It is the doubt that has become my proverbial thorn in the flesh.

You see if your dream was to be at the top of this or that corporation then today’s game is for you. But if your dream was “mother Theresa” in shape or form, you have  your work cut out for you because nothing about today’s world or church, in so much as I have experience it, is rarely rooting for you Unless of course you win.

When they do listen they want you to present them a clear “ministry plan” of how this is going to produce dividends (saved souls) at the end so their money can be well spent and every time this comes up, well how do you explain a desire to give yourself towards the discipling of people, the provision of a home, a place of comfort and refuge where the weak, tired, worn can come and receive some “chicken soup for their souls”.

Every time these issues come I say. “Hello fear, I have two fist, faith and a promise let’s do this cause backing down and backing out are not an option.”

Ding! Ding! Ding! I’m ready for one more round.

Chasing your dreams II: waking up to the dream

Now here I stood fresh out of my corporate job and absolutely no plan, except to trust God and see where that road led. 

I was excited. I felt liberated. This was one rat that had made it out of the rat race alive and in one peace. I felt like a prisoner who had just made a successful escape from a super max high security prison.

I had quit to follow my heart and do ministry. That right was the first obstacle. What was this ministry I wanted to do? You see I had made this move at a time when “ministry” had been demystified and so even you work was ministry. It was all about going out to the market place and living the gospel. Taking the Gospel to the people so to speak. And here I was doing the exact opposite.

I was undaunted. I chose to volunteer at my home church All Saints Cathedral Kampala while figured that out. I also started raising support which in this case was asking people for their hard earned cash to facilitate this ministry.

Nga Christians do not give, especially to ministries that cannot be quantified or where they have not benefitted or witnessed the “power” first hand. And here I was, green and bleak, a newbie, a fresher in this whole “ministry” business.

That was just one of my problems. I wondered what I would tell people when they asked why I had left the job the God had “blessed” me with as a reward for my years of faithful service. I honestly did not have an answer. All I knew was that like Jeremiah I had a fire in my bones. I thought that perhaps a scriptural analogy would suffice but nga Christians really carry out due diligence when it comes to separating them from their money.

So I went back to God, remember the advice of a good friend who was doing something similar to what I wanted to do. He told me, before you leave make sure you have promises from God about these things. In other words, get a promise from scripture to back up your call and ministry.

SO I went back to God.in the months leading up to my notice period elapsing I asked and asked and asked.

HE sent me to the story of Abraham.

The Lord had said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you. “I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you.” So Abram went, as the Lord had told him….

One thing that really stood out was the portion “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you. There are no assurance Just the command to leave all that was familiar and go “to the land I will show you” it does not get any more vague than that and scary.

Many people think that following God is about him showing you the whole map and telling you this is what will happen and how. But often it’s the command and the promise that keeps you.

The other thing I asked is God what shall I tell them. How shall I qualify all the crazy things I am sure you are going to make me do? I need some back up here.

He took me to the story of Moses.

Moses said to God, “Suppose I go to the Israelites and say to them, ‘The God of your fathers has sent me to you,’ and they ask me, ‘What is his name?’ Then what shall I tell them? “God said to Moses, “I am who I am. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I am has sent me to you.’”

Two things happen here. God asserts Himself and He deputises his servant. Well here I am, God has sent me and God is who he is. Hey I don’t make the rules I just follow them.

He also reminded me of some instance in the past where I vowed to expend myself in doing his work and in return that He would expend himself making sure I was covered because poverty and I had parted ways and I was not going back.

So armed with nothing but A COMMAND and A PROMISE I set out to the ‘land’ He was sending me to. I an still Journeying.

Running from it all

Now Ahab told Jezebel everything Elijah had done and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword. So Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah to say, “May the gods deal with me, be it ever so severely, if by this time tomorrow I do not make your life like that of one of them.”

Elijah was afraid and ran for his life.

Imagine everybody’s shock as Elijah, the man who had slain thousands of prophets and had called down fire, fled across the desert to scared to rest and too ashamed to look the people in the face. Imagine his sense of failure and the challenge and beating his manhood had taken.

What had come over him? What caused him to suddenly bolt and the sound of Jezebels voice? Why would a man, who faced off against thousands of devil inspired prophets suddenly blanch at the high pitched threats of a power mad woman? That we shall never know for the Bible does not tell us so.

But one thing is for sure, he felt dejected, alone, tired and worn out and probably angry and bitter. He could have been angry and bitter at all the ‘other’ prophets who had deserted and left him standing alone. Maybe he was angry at a former class mate or village friend who has shied away when he needed them most. I do not know.

But one thing I am sure he felt was shame and a sense of failure. He dealt with one of number one fears every man deals with almost daily. He had failed. He had blown it. People were counting on him and he had no solution.

So he did the only thing he knew how to. He fled. To the only place he knew so well, the desert. Remember that before the confrontation at Horeb he and Ahab had played cat and mouse in these very desert waddies and he had managed to keep one step ahead all this time.

And so he figured that he could do it one more time. Run to familiar territories and probably the solace of solitude. He did not have to answer to anyone out there, explain to them or meet their gaze. He did not have to face their accusing stares no measure his achievements against those that had come before.

Elijah the mighty prophet was running away not just from Jezebel but from his own heavy conscience.

He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, LORD,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” 5 Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep.

One thing is for sure heavy burdens are exhausting and Elijah could run no more. The weight of his heart brought him to his knees and he cried out to God and promptly fell into a deep sleep.

Thank God for sleep.

He considered leaving his call, “I have had enough, LORD,”

Elijah despaired of life. “Take my life”

He disregarded his past achievement and compared himself to those that came before him, “I am no better than my ancestors”

He embraced failure.

But

God had other plans

All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again.

The angel of the LORD came back a second time and touched him and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God.

I am always fascinated by the last bit of verse 8, ‘he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, THE MOUNTAIN OF GOD.

God did not curse him nor did he cast him out. God did not sternly rebuke nor did he reprimand him for his poor showing instead God arranged for room service, a meal and an encounter that would remind Elijah not just of who he(Elijah) was but also of who God was and still is.

Elijah lamented, twice how bad things were but God did not even flinch. Instead he tells Elijah to go anoint kings and anoint his own successor. God plans were in no way limited by the actions of Elijah or those of Jezebel.

God showed him one again just how power full he was and hose determined he was to bring all that Elijah had been told to pass. He was committed 100 percent even when Elijah was down and almost out.

And he stired again the heart of the prophet and gave him encouraging word, “you are not alone my friend for I have 700 others like you who have neither bowed their knee nor worshiped Baal.

Gods way and plan cannot be halted and His commitment and love towards us and out wellbeing is an ever fixed and immovable fact….

Other Random Facts

I haven’t slept properly in a week.

Some coffee really gives you bad heart burns.

Creativity is not synonymous with spontaneity.

God, He understands.