De·pres·sion

There are a couple of things I would like to write about today. One of them is depression.

de·pres·sion  

/diˈpreSHən/

Noun 1.      Severe despondency and dejection, accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy. 2.      A condition of mental disturbance, typically with lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in life. Synonyms dejection - hollow 3.        This has never been something that I am comfortable talking about. I am not even sure why I am writing about it cause some of these things are too close to heart to leave to the whims of the internet nor am I the talking type…especially on such matter. Perhaps it’s because I had my second minor episode recently and I have had lows most of my life after that. I never even knew I was depressed until I got out of it. I don’t know how I got into it and even how I got out of it. I just know that I was in it. I have witnessed my own shares of sadness of life experiences but non as dark as the one I suffered while at university. It was one of the darkest times of my life and I say that with no hyperbole. I am dead serious. Even now I can remember what I felt, what my days were like. I wondered where the sun had gone and that when it came out how come I could not feel its hear. I remember being a zombie of sorts in that period, I went to class but after a few minutes I was bored senseless. At first I was confused as hell. I could not explain what this was all about. I had never been out of control and laughter had never been far from my lips but here I was despondent as a wet feline. I felt had just taken residence in the orbit of a black hole and all my life was just being sucked out and every minute of the day. Funny how i was always up early during this time something that I struggled with all my life. I was almost always up with the first rays of the sun. I was highly organized and neat. I don’t think my various abodes have suffered such meticulous cleaning since. I showered, had breakfast, washed up and cleaned my room and then just went back to bed, curled up into a the nearest possible fetal position my stocky frame would allow and drift in and out of sleep, a kind of swing between ponderous waking thoughts and twitchy dreams. I can remember my room quite well, small, and quaint almost, with no ceiling, revealing the underside of the clay tiles on the roof. I remember wondering how it never leaked as I expected it to when it rained. I remember the grey metal framed office chair with the think cushions and how it matched with my monochrome grey tv. I remember the yellow painted walls with the uneven plaster and the brown of the custom table-shelf, the only other furniture in my room. I vividly remember all these things because I spent almost a month within those four small walls, withdrawn from friends and all the things I loved only coming out when I was too hungry or my bread had run out. Those were dark days. And then recently an old familiar despondency descended. I was up early as usual but that same lifelessness had crept up on me. I just lay there…I did not want to do anything. It was then that I decided, “hey, maybe it’s time to face this again and maybe, just maybe admit that I could be prone to depression”. That maybe I should be doing something about it. I called up a very close friend, and she was terrified. In fact I texted her and she called back worried. I was touched. Looking back I have had my moments and near missed but I have soldiered on. I have refused to allow my life be ruled by something that I believe the God I believe in can help me not just deal with but eventually overcome. But I need to continually realize that this is something that can happen and that I need to be on my watch and on my guard and I need to constantly watch for patterns and triggers. There is so much more to this tale than I can bear to remember and type, perhaps in many more post to come. In case you have some of these symptoms it does not mean you are depressed but I shall highlight the ones that I did have and I think are real indicators. Again, please note that some of these symptoms occur in other scenarios as well so I guess professional help may be a good Idea. It was important for me to not lose hold on my faith so I read my Bible diligently during this that in the hopes that when God did move, he would kind some kindling stored up within me from which to start a fire to get be all warmed up inside and back to sanity. I don’t know if it worked, but I know those words were a line that I gripped on tight and the fear of total insanity in some strange way kept me sane.

Psychological symptoms include: continuous low mood or sadness feeling hopeless and helpless having low self-esteem  feeling tearful feeling guilt-ridden feeling irritable and intolerant of others  having no motivation or interest in things finding it difficult to make decisions not getting any enjoyment out of life feeling anxious or worried  having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself Physical symptoms include: Moving or speaking more slowly than usual  change in appetite or weight (usually decreased, but sometimes increased)  constipation  unexplained aches and pains lack of energy or lack of interest in sex (loss of libido) changes to your menstrual cycle disturbed sleep (for example, finding it hard to fall asleep at night or waking up very early in the morning) Social symptoms include: not doing well at work taking part in fewer social activities and avoiding contact with friends neglecting your hobbies and interests having difficulties in your home and family life   NOTE TO TEENAGERS READING THIS Just because you are “having difficulties in your home and family life” does not mean you are depressed though I do admit such scenarios can be depressing.

Death By Drowning.

Clear blue water everywhere. It’s so bluish greenish that for a moment you are mesmerised, transfixed as if by magic the sun beating down on you.

Then the first small wave washes over you and you start. You look around as you straddle water. In the distance you spy the island and as another waves splashes over you sudden realisation hits, you have been pulled out far into the lake.

You panic slightly but think it can’t be that far and you are not that bad a swimmer so you set your eyes to the shadow in the distance and start swimming.

A few hours later you are closer but not close enough. You can make out the silhouettes of your friends playing on the beach and you try to cry out only for your voice to be carried away by the wind.

You take a deep breath and start swimming again. But by now you are tired. The pull of the waves makes you work harder and the pounding of your heart sounds like the toms of death drums. But you swim on, struggle past each wave as it washed above, over and around you.

A couple of minutes later you stop to rest and judge your progress. Your friends are a lot clearer but no nearer it seems. You try to wave but they are too engrossed in their tom foolery to look out to the water. You shout and scream and still nothing. You are slightly pissed off that they did not even notice you were missing. With that anger propelling you, you set of again this time determined to make it to land if for any other reason than to just punch all of them in the face, ladies included.

You are tired now. You have been swimming for almost three hours, more than you have ever had to in your life. Your arm muscles are tired and more than once you had to fight of a spasm in your leg.  Panic starts to creep back in as the light begins to fade.

The dull ache in your arms is now a shooting pain as your shoulder, arms and legs start to get tired. With each new movement you get more and more tired. You start to breath faster and faster your actions become jerk like and hurried.

Your head is arched backward as your straddle the water more and more frantically in a bid to keep your face above water. The beautiful moon escapes you as visions of death in the dark haunt you. You sink once, a load of water going down your throat. You surface, coughing and splattering your throat working overtime to keep the water out only to take in more.

. Before you can take another breath you sink to the dark depth again this time taking a little more time before you rise to the top. You kick and jerk even harder, desperate to keep above the waves but your strength wanes with each new action.

You struggle, your body ramrod straight in the water. You can no longer see land and wonder if you can find the right direction again. You scan the horizon looking for anything that could point to hope and a rescue but all you are met with is the sheep blackness of the night, land and sky mingling into an indistinguishable mass.

Your leg spasms. You stop moving. You start to sink. You struggle to breath. You cannot cry for help. With the last of your strength gone and as you sink again you take your last breath knowing somehow that this will be your last. You sink towards the deep black depth.

With your fate sealed you strangely become calm as if in a dream. You stare at the moon through the waves. It’s beautiful; too bad you won’t see it again. Bubbles escape you mouth as your succumb to the impulse to breath. As the pain crushes in on your chest you gratefully slip into the blackness.

Hours later the New Papers would tell the story of the Body of a young man being found out in the lake miles from the islands they had visited earlier that week. According to the reports you had been missing for a day and a half. Friends and relatives are shocked and grief stricken with a life cut short, a life gone too early.

Your funeral was attended by hundred of people. Friend, relatives, admirers and countless people gather at church and later in various groups to share anecdotes of how you blessed them and touched their lives.

Miles beyond miles away you look down and stare. You are sad and you miss then but you are in arms that comfort always. No longer are you cold or tired. You are awash with light and a peace that compounds you and surrounds you. You are home. You are at peace.