Satanist Within.

I would like to hurt you and hurt you bad but I am too man for that. I would like to be mean, really mean but I am too man for that either…I suppose.

I would like to do so many nasty things to you but my momma taught me better or was it an aunt…well it’s something I learnt.

I would like to spread rumours about and see the horror on your face when someone tells you but nah…I am way too good for that.

There is so much I would like to do to you gal but there is much more on the inside that stops me. Besides it goes against my grain to invest that much in something that has caused me so much pain.

Yes, I admit it, you have caused me pain. But I guess that means I am alive, or so I am told.

A friend told me today that true Satanism is not worshipping the devil or listening to hard core rock music, its simply giving in and fulfilling the desires of the flesh and I don’t want to be no Satanist so I shan’t do all the things I think of doing.

Instead I shall go to the one place I can truly be naked and unashamed and that is to God. Being so old, ancient of days and all, sometimes I wonder if he hears me but I  know He makes me feel better and less afraid and angry and bitter and hopeless than most.

I guess he is truly a friend that sticks closer than a brother. To His bosom I entrust my tears and fears. He shall rescue me.

Other Random Thoughts

Redefine friendships.

i am afraid of the dark side of my soul.

haaa! women. who said we cant live without them.

Home Alone on Christmas.

This is much harder than i expected but not totally unwelcome. Spending Christmas alone and indoors. Well technically i wont be doing either of that but i wont be spending it with family either and after calling my mom to wish her a Merry Christmas, well it sorta made me miss the whole big family fuss this day used to be.

But, i guess i shall be spending it with friends and hey there is never a good excuse to pass up some nice food especially if you are a bachelor like me.

Just one more random point, i do not know about most people but Christmas is just not as big a deal for me, this year at least, as new years is. I find myself a little obsessed with the coming of the new year and all my Christmas messages have more effort and good wished fixed into the new year portion of the greeting. i dont know, maybe it because this year was particularism tough and emotional or maybe it is the great excitement and joy or sense of expectation i feel when i think of 2012.

Well at least according to the movie that is when the world goes belly up but i know that it signals for me a new beginning. A chance to reorient oneself, re-plug into God and start afresh. Like new plant shoots after the devastation of a fire.

I look forward to this year and the things it brings. So even as you celebrate Christmas don't forget that soon after that comes a totally new year. The old has gone and the new has come and behold God does a new thing, do you see it, do you perceive it. It is the Lords doing and its marvellous in our sight.

Hosanna Hosanna in the Highest.

Merry Christmas and here is to a true totally NEW year.

The Assassination of Prophet.

Today I found myself pondering with a friend what my life would have been if I was not saved and I realised that God had stood in the way three times too many.

We or rather I looked deep into my life and realised that I had great potential for evil. I am fully aware of what my sick twisted mind can come up with and how I would be a libertine and seducer with no regrets or apologies. A smooth talker and a silver tongued devil. A Casanova with a little black book and a filled phonebook. A lyrical genius with the ability to bed, not all, but a good number of the women that set themselves within my line of sight.

I would be a puppet master, pulling the strings, more adept that the Three Fates with a scissor to sever those strings when the puppet begun to think it was more than just that, a limp item, I tool in my hand, a quencher of my desire.

I would be quicker than the quick brown fox and I would jump over the fence, overwhelming and circumventing all their defences. In one breathe they would scream my name and in another curse me to hell but all in all I shall leave them in the throes of desire, reaching for a glass of water in the dead of the night.

But then I stopped. I realised. It was the admiration of an evil man that saw the death of the prophet. It was the sweet lies of the devil that got the prophet shot. And so I realised that this was the backdrop to a nightmare scene, the spilling of blood on a level never before seen. It was the prelude to the conclude, the rise to the crescendo. It was the crushing of a man from the inside out.

For as you gaze into the air, wondering, pondering and dreaming what you would do if you had the chance, don’t forget that the crosshairs are trained on you and before you know it you are tomorrows headline, the body of the story with the headline reading death in the street.

For while you paid no attention, a seed was son, a bullet was loaded the rifle bolt pushed in place and in the background the choir sang a dirge for this was the beginning of the assassination of a prophet.

Proverbs 24:1

New International Version (NIV)

Do not envy the wicked, do not desire their company;for their hearts plot violence,  and their lips talk about making trouble.

Proverbs 23:17(NIV)

Do not let your heart envy sinners,
 but always be zealous for the fear of the LORD.

A Bullet...

A bullet is beautiful when removed from its context, smooth and shiny and cool to the touch. It is simple yet elegant—its edges running upward to a point or a glinting, symmetrical hill. A child who didn't know better might mistake it for a pocket-size spaceship, or a tiny tower when set on end. 

They would not recognize it as a thief.

Yet thieves are exactly what bullets are. In the context of war, they rob countries of their men, men of their ideals, ideals of their virtue. They take breath and blood and thought, and let them lay in the mud of battle, scattered like shrapnel. They take sight and sound, life and limb, hope and courage.

And even if you safeguard all of that, there's still one thing the wartime bullet will always take: innocence.


http://www.pluggedin.com/movies/intheaters/warhorse.aspx

An apology to a friend

A friend asked me today if I was okay. She took me aside and with concern in her eyes asked what the “depression” had been about and what caused it.

I could not answer, well not in a way that could make sense, but here earnestness and concern won the day and I, taking a couple of chairs and choosing a spot, sat down with her and attempted an explanation.

And after my feeble attempts were complete she hugged me and as we held each other she prayed and asked God that He would give me joy and peace. I don’t doubt He answers prayer but that day, a friend won the day.

I am just sorry I could not pour my heart out as much as I know I needed to. The emotion glands are cauterised and the flow has stopped. My emotions are spent and my energy sapped, I am sorry my friend but I cannot do that which is expected of me, even to the basic level.

But I promise you this, that when this time is past I shall be back on my feet and I shall be my normal laughing and cheerful self again and when that time is come we shall run frolicking and bounding in the meadows (hahahaha) so to speak.

I love you misha, you realness and genuineness always amazes and blesses me and is as refreshing as a pure mountain spring.

Apparently there is still hope for this friendship thing.

Proverbs 18:24
One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

Other random thoughts.

Those little wicked thoughts that run through your mind and need to be shot down.

Still mad…I hate being ignored.

Iron Man...

Cold-unsympathetic, Insensitive and inconsiderate, Hostile-angry, Cruel-sarcastic,  Unforgiving, Self-sufficient,  Domineering,  Opinionated and prejudiced, Proud,  Crafty, Undisciplined, Weak-willed Restless,  Disorganised,  Unproductive,  Undependable,  Obnoxious-loud,  Egocentric,  Exaggerates,  Fearful and insecure.

These are all words that have been used to describe me. I shall deny them or defend them. I am a little tired. Instead I shall embrace them. I shall embrace them because I believe that that is the only way that one can really make strides forward.

I shall not apologise for them either. That is who I am and until I am someone else I shall remain so. Don’t get me wrong this is not an acceptance of poorly character but a stand, a plea if you wish, a statement that those that seek for me to be better, because let’s face it, this affects you more than it affects me, show more of that which  you want me to see and perhaps I shall be convinced by YOUR good works.

A little unrepentant? Maybe.

This onslaught has had one good side effect. It has set me on a path of self-discovery. Even though I do not admit it, I too yearn for the approval of men and women and I am bothered by anything that shakes and so I have sought and still seek to amend my ‘wicked’ ways so that we could all just get along.

This journey has sent me deep within, both my heart and my head and both places are terrifying even for me.:) But into the darkness and deep I ventured for I wanted to become a ‘better man’ , a ‘nicer’ man and all those other clichés.

My first port of call was denial. I did not believe that all this was true. I was amazed at how childish and myopic people could be. “Couldn’t they see that all my intentions were pure”. I wondered, “Couldn’t they see that semantics and words were unimportant?” Apparently not because I was berated again and again and tactless was my middle name.

My second port of call was doubt. Maybe all this was true. Maybe they had a point. All these people could not possibly be wrong. I had to do something.

My third port was resignation. It must be true. I embraced my image and call. I thrived in it and run with it. But that did not go well with many people and I guess I earned the reputation for being brutally honest as many of my friends called it.

They said it with their mouths but I guess this was ok as long as the guns were not directed in their direction. When it was their turn, well the love was not there.

This led me to the next port which was full of so many things, Confusion, hurt, betrayal and more.  But I skip a head. This was much later after I had taken the detour to acceptance.

This phase saw me go to all lengths to get rid of my bad boy persona. I read all I could about each and every one of the above traits and how I could get rid of them, replacing them with all the good and nice replacements. I removed all my armour and looked into the abyss. It was not pretty.

Not only did I dredge up so much stuff that I had to deal with but all the guys I thought would be cheering me on where nowhere to be seen. In fact it seemed that I had removed all my armour to wade into this river yet I needed that armour to deal with the monsters of the soul and the arrows that now  pierce my flesh.

I was too occupied to protect myself now. Too exposed. Too  open. Too naked. That is all I was now. Less of what I was with more of stuff I did not need to deal with it. Think of it as having a task and not having the tools because you had to leave them behind because you were told that you could only progress if you left them behind. So there I was down the river without a paddle.

This brings me to where I am now and what I am only now realising and hope to put down in the next couple of pages.

other random thoughts

Cool read. Check out the website.
http://readerscafe.co.za/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=272:my-soul-is-lost&catid=25:inspirational&Itemid=50

humility...much harder than pride.

Hard on the inside and hippies.

I am clumsy when it comes to writing about my life. I would like to blast away and craftfully share the deep insights of my soul but I end up going on a tangent and I obfuscate the facts.

I am unsure about sharing of myself or rather about myself. Originally I never saw the need to share ‘stuff’ about myself because I was never weak nor was I in need of help from many people. If I had a problem I knew where to take it and me always sorted things out. I was iron clad.

Then come the ‘Hippies’ all touchy feely and ‘in tune’ with their emotions and feminine sides. I was berated and lambasted, cajoled and convinced until gradually, more out of obedience to scripture about being open to rebuke and teaching, than from any confidence I had in the whole concept of being sensitive.

Allow me run amok thought-wise; I doubt there is any scripture where you can find God described as nice. I doubt you can point to many points in the Bible where God was ‘kind’ or sensitive to the feelings of the people. I am sure you will not find any verse or phrase which somehow revealed that God did some self-editing just because the fragility of the brethren was in jeopardy.

So anyways, back to the story. I heard and re heard this and chose to be the vulnerable and sensitive person that everyone told me was a better person and would make my life and relationships easier.

The moment I opened up was the moment the first arrow of hurt and betrayal zinged home. I learned that many time people will tell you that you need to be a certain way just because they are uncomfortable with the fact that you have chosen the high road or such other thing.

All my advocators were suddenly unavailable to give the same response they had encouraged me to give sometime maybe perhaps begged me to apply and suddenly it dawned on me, I had been hood winked, twice, and now here I am naked and without armour and the cloud is darkened by arrows.

But, all that said I cannot say the experience is not without its benefits. I miss and prefer the former Andrew but I doubt he would make God this happy and I doubt he would be able to do certain things. So I put all in the hands of God, where it a ought to be.

Philippians 3:13-14

New International Version (NIV)

¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.