The problem is choice.....

Sometimes we need to find one single truth and hang on to it. Like an anchor in an out of body experience It provides the tether that keeps you grounded; allows you freedom to venture out but more importantly it allows you to find you way back to a safe place when all the craziness of doubt sweeps in.

For many of us, that hope was the idea that we were made for more. That our every step was ordered and despite calamity the ending was written and we won. There was this grand scheme in which, we were told, were an integral part, that without our involvement this great cosmic plan would Fail and that because we were such an important part of this plan all things would work out for our good.

This hope, this dream kept us grounded. We limited our exposure to sin and temptation and tempered our flesh with fasting and much prayer. We binged on the word as a stockpile of ammunition against the bombardments the devil would surely  send our way. We pushed through doubt, pain and fear, cheered on by the camaraderie around us.

Then we grew up a little. Suddenly the world was much bigger and out role in the cosmic plan grew larger. But I suspect more than that we suddenly were cast into an arena where the fastest and strongest survived. There was no room for weakness. The faith was separated into echelons and you were at the bottom.

You are still part of the machine, the great plan but you are such a small cog in a massive array of cogs and wheels. But unlike a part of an actual machine, a piece of forged metal that would merrily go spinning till infinitely, you are human, flesh, bone and blood and feeling and at that realization( your smallness) you are feeling a little lied to. I you were important but in light of all this you question your importance.

And so still hoping you take you place as part of the machine though your heart never really settles. A few spins and you start to wonder what the heck this is all about. You can see the machinery and hear it grind. You can feel the shudder and the shake and see the different parts accomplish some task. Some days you even feel the forward motion, but down here, in the heart of the belly of the beast all you see is wheels and cogs spinning towards some unseen and unknown destination. You know someone is driving but you haven the foggiest where or why.

I describe not the reality but rather the feelings we sometimes have to wade through. We prostrate before a God whose will and plan is absolute and even though he leans down and whispers in our ears we fathom it not and so we believe, have faith and hope.

We chose to believe, have faith and hope. That word choose…indeed choice is at the heart of this faith and we actually do have the freedom to choose to keep following. That is for me the real difference, the real reason that you should hang on; you CHOSE this faith. And if per chance you accepted because of fear, group think etc you must always chose or perhaps now decide to choose to stick to this faith.

Anyone who has followed my posts will notice I never hide what is going through my head and heart whether it be doubt or pain. BUT I am still here not because I saw some powerful vision or revelation but because I chose this faith and even now, while choked by the waves of this world I chose this faith hoping and believing that Jesus will reach out his hand and pull me up. I cannot give up or give in because I chose this path. And even if he does not save me, even now I still chose it….until the day I do not.

Hello Fear....

I was about to start this post with, “I have not written in a while” but I realize that is redundant. What is more important is why I haven’t written in a long time.

Over the last few months a silence has crept over my soul. I slow, dark mist, a dark miasma of dread and fear, like a fog on a marsh it has hang around for long. Nothing I do can dispel this, well let’s call it what it is; fear.

Fear! Andrew Pacutho,  afraid?  Those that know me will find this hard to believe and still some will say, “but we are human, it happens” I find the timidity and fear as puzzling as most and the reasons a little confusing.

For the first time my fear does not come from outside but from within. Not within my spirit or my soul but within a community that i have called home and family for the longest time.  It’s like being of a different opinion gets you cast into the pile of the weird believer or worse backslider or labeled with something akin to you don’t know what you say and if you were plugged right it would all make sense.

While I have argued this out with friends close to me I still find the idea that I cannot be broken and messed up in church totally wrong. It’s like going to a hospital and being stigmatized for being sick.  There are so many questions and so few answers. The usual mantra of “God’s word has all the answers” feels hollow. Otyooo!!! I just blasphemed or something right? If the teacher cannot make plain the text, then the text, or the teacher or the student has a problem. I suspect it’s either the student or the teacher.

But more than that is the fear to speak out against perceived wrong things in church because suddenly you are or have been made to feel unsure of yourself.  You can’t be right when you are the only one who seems to see things a certain way right? They can’t all be wrong. Can they? If you are wrong, how wrong are you and must you keep shouting if you are that wrong? After all if you were right other people would stand with you right?

These questions can drive a man insane. I am still searching for the answer, praying that a light would shine in this fog but until then I shall sit in the back silent and do battle with my soul.

I shall leave church alone….and hopefully church will leave me alone…for a while.

The Mountain Top and The Purge

Every Year we make resolutions. Every Year we fail at these resolutions. In frustration or protest some abandon new year resolution making while other find other ways to focus their year around simple achievable goals, new philosophies of self improvements or whittle away at their lists until they have just one thing they aim to achieve that year. 

i like to start my year with a mountain top approach and a yearly purge/renewal. For the mountain top view i start mostly before God. I take time to meditate and peruse the year past and the year ahead. I then ask for a general direction, an over arching leading so to speak.  It may be a sudden realisation about that year or a sense of energy and excitement that set the tempo for my next 365. Sometimes its an exact phrase or direction. Other times a sweep of the hand denoting an area that needs attention.

for this year, its excitement and a sense of anticipation, that leaning forward in expectation of something great and grand and with this the feeling of exhilaration and confidence that anything you set to do you will achieve. its like that newness that comes after a heavy downpour. Everything is fresh and new and the old and dirty has been washed away. Its a clean slate and you can scribe anew the paths for tomorrow.

The Purge is mostly about passing along all physical possessions that have served their purpose or would better serve someone else. Its also about getting rid of some of that clutter that builds up around my life, desk and closet over the years. This can be in the form of a donation to charity or selling some of these items and making better use of the money. I normally purge clothes. I don't give away old clothes, i try to give away perfectly good items that i just haven't worn that year or no longer fancy. Sometimes i still fancy them but realise someone else needs it or would look better in it hence i pass it along. Jeans, shirts, shoes and more are moved forward. If they are too old i donate to those willing with the express knowledge that these are old and worn. If i can re-purpose and up-cycle them i do so or give to people that can.

This last step is my way of reminding myself that things are not the thing and there is more to life. I am reminded that things are simply tools for a purpose or an end while having a mountain top is a chance for God to set the stage for my journey. Its me seeing the big picture that will keep me moving when i am in some deep dark ravine or remind me that there is so much more when i am at the top of some hill or mountain, a constant reminder that there is more to come. 

these acts can be a series of things or just one simple thing. I changed my computer Operating system for example. i spend so much time looking at this screen i figured what better way to reminder me of the newness of this year than a totally different way of working. I am getting rid of furniture(if you want to buy i have a huge table/Desk and a bookshelf) and some gadgets. many clothes wont survive either.

This year get rid of more...give more...

A Thousand (a very short poem)

See me

One thousand freckles on

my face

See you 

One thousand kisses for every

freckle on your face

and when i ran out of space

i will move to the rest....

of your body'

30 Rock: Partial musings on turning 30 (Saying Thank You)

I shall start by quoting the opening lines of Charles Dickens’ novel A Tale of Two Cities.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way

There is no better way to describe my year. So much has gone wrong and yet so much went right, and left and a little over that way. Yet as I ponder my birthday, I am grateful. I don’t know that I would do it any other way.

In the beginning as I despaired the state of my life, I chose to remember the people that have been there for me, stood by me and tolerated my shit. Being out of a job so soon in that year I decided I would dedicate this year to my friends and paying them back in kind…God knows I hadn’t a coin to buy them even a ‘rolex’.

To all the guys I met in Egypt, I cannot dare mention you all because 1) I probably can’t remember all the names 2) I can’t spell them right 3) Someone might get mad if I forget to mention them. But my flat mates both the ladies and guys apartment, you guys Egypt’s winter days livable.

To Hannington a friend in lean times, you are a man of few words but many stories. You believed enough in my dream to invest so much of yourself. I Hope that when I do make it in this photography business I can repay you one way or another.

To Diana, Beqy, Racheal, Pesh and Kamphat, my oldest friends both in time and age…lol…you guys have provided stability and way to remain anchored. You provide a window into the past and a reminder of where we have come from. I have the pictures to prove it.

Kamphat you have been a companion while I slowly came unhinged, with no judgment or condemnation you listened and allowed me vent. You have been extra special to me this season. I hope I can pay you back.

Edith, your belief in me has always been a buoy when the waves of uncertainty and doubt tossed me around. We have been friends and not friends many times but you have always been there when the dust settled. You saved my dreams and thus on many occasions saved me.

Adrian, I am sure you are shocked you are part of this list but for some reason you have always inspired me and challenged me. We have been through some pretty weird times and I you are a source of inspiration in these things of art and design. From the days in that windowless Equatorial mall office to Elemental Edge who you are has been an immense blessing. Just know I blow for you often.

Martin, gosh..this would have been a really terrible journey if you had not come along. Yours will be a short salutation mostly because Vegas never spills its secrets hehehe

Sarah and Jacky, even in this post you are together. Your unfettered love and compassion and generosity has made many gloomy days brighter. Just know that what you have done for me, well lets just say there is always room in my heart for you. There is nothing that you would ever need that if I had you I would not give you.

Sarah and Olivia, let’s just say that I am glad that some people still see the white underneath all the dark soot of life’s many battles. Why you have so much faith in me is still a mystery that I hope Is revealed soon kubanga me I am confused mob. Keep believing, it gives some of us hope.

Patience, there aren’t words to describe how we met. Random comes close naye it does not do justice. We have walked through some of my darkest and lowest moments, we have chatted, argues, laughed and more. I pray that I am there for you just as much as you have been for me. You deserve all the good life gives and more.

Odeke Onyait, you have been a constant challenge and inspiration. When I grow up I want to be as focused and ambitious as you are. May many good things come your way.

Allow me also to apologise. There are many friends that I let down massively this year. I am sorry. I hope that the gaff is not so big that we cannot overcome it but in the event that it is, well just know being your friend has been an honour and that I am grateful for the friendship.

When I am rich and famous and they ever asked me to write a book I suspect it would be a photo book with portraits of all the people who have been with me throughout this journey of life because each of you has taught me something that has changed my life or revealed something about me. You have nurtured and challenged my dreams and ambitions. You have supported and encouraged me, rebuked and corrected me, laughed and cried and simply shared life with me. For that I am grateful.

I simply could not have done it without you.

Imagine the Possibilities

I love the word imagine. It opens up possibilities and worlds like no other. In many regards its gives permission for people to let go of all restraint knowing that parameters have been set that allow them to safely dream.

Now imagine that these crazy ideas came true. What wonders would fill this world as each individual sought out that one idea that drives them daily or chased that fantastic invention or product. Indeed imagine.

Now imagine a world where every child was guaranteed not just good health, but an adequate education and after that a business mentoring opportunity geared solely to helping them achieve their full potential both for their self-actualization but also to improve their country.

Imagine a world where all businesses did it for the children. Child friendly policies i.e. no company invested in anything that would affect the welfare of any child be it psychological or environmental are the core of all company values. Imagine they did not just stop there but that they directly invested in children, education, parks, hospitals and research. Imagine a world where it was all done for the children.

The Child Rights and Business Practices seeks just this, a new approach to business centered around, not just the wellbeing of children but businesses that are investing directly in children. The first of its kind launched in Uganda, we join a global community of people that realize that children are the future and the present and investing in them ensures that our nation and our planet will have a tomorrow infinitely better than today.

Launched at an event at the Serena Hotel, the private sector, government and various CSOs gathered to reaffirm commitment and urge greater funding for children. For a country with more than half of its population under the age of 15 this push would serve to secure a better life for millions of children country wide.

Imagine this future. Now imagine we achieved it. Now let’s go do something about it.

One death too many.

I am back after ages with one very important message.

What would you say if I told you that every day over 40 people died daily? You would probably want to know what is killing them and where this killing is taking place.

What if I told you that this was going on around you, a silent epidemic of death happening across the country in health centers and homes across the country? All the victims of this epidemic are children under the age of five.

Just imagine the potential that is snuffed out daily. Yes I belabour the point of death simply because no one child should have to die from preventable causes some as simple as being able to make it to a health center in time.

18,000 children die daily in this country. 45% of child mortality is mainly due to malnutrition.1 in 18 children die before their first birthday while one in eleven before they are five.  Despite our ability to feed ourselves, 1 in 8 children go to bed hungry. These are some of the shocking statistics. There are many more that would break your heart.

Many of us don’t feel this because we live in urban centers and have ready access to health care systems. They may not be the best but there is a clinic or hospital within 10 minutes of most of our residences.

For mothers in the village, 2miles to the nearest health center is heaven. On average most have to walk 7 miles to receive any form of health care. We must and we can do something about this. We cannot sit idle back while countless lives are lost right in our back yard.

As a country we have achieved a modicum of success however we still need to do more to bring this number as low as possible.  

What can we do? For one educate yourself. One cannot change what they do not know or understand. 2. Engage, there are countless ways to be part of this campaign. You could support organizations like Save theChildren for one 3. Be pro-active. You have MPs, pester the. You have a voice, speak up. Raise awareness and let our governments and leaders no that we shall not stand for this. 4. If they will not help, gather like minded individuals from your area and adopt a health center or something.

Many health centers simply need things like surgical gloves, pain killers, mattresses or beds. We may not change the whole country in one sweep but we can save one mothers and child one small action at a time.

We now have less that 500 days to the deadline for the achievement of the Millennium development goal to reduce child mortality globally. Don’t stand idly by the side line. Be a part of the campaign in your own small way. Every child is you.