A case for the little man...(me obsessing over dreams)

As navigate this world, constantly trying to figure out what really works for me and where I shall strike it rich I have tried a number of things? Selling phones was the more interesting one but I never had that shadowy thing called "investment capital" and since I sucked at this whole proposal writing and pitching for funds I sort of did not make it. I tried my hand at selling land and cars but that was not any more successful.

I have sold food stuff as a camp but again I had to punt that off to a friend. There are several things in there I have tried I think but in all these endeavours I really was seriously looking for a buck.....Here I was doing odd jobs while I had a degree. It did feel a little menial but I did it because I had to.

each day I walk the streets of Kampala seeing all these people who are doing small odd jobs selling tomatoes, roast meat, Rolexes, clothes, maize or airtime and I wonder how much do they really make and why do they even keep coming back.

I think of all the things I have read in books about expanding and growing your business although I wonder how much can you grow a Rolex business, but that is for another day.

I think of the things that have stood in their way, choked their dreams and tripped them up but still they come out every evening to sell their wares.

I ask if there is anybody willing to walk with them, starting with teaching them that they can be more, do more and then going ahead to show them how.

I ask if their government doing anything to help them, to break the back of the corrupt and tax evaders (many of whom can afford to pay these taxes). Are they stream lining the system for efficiency and equity?

I ask also about our conscience, not towards social justice, though that too is something we are sorely lacking, but towards simple honesty. The idea of paying a fair wage or reasonable price seems foreign to us. You would not believe how “expensive” a 150USD charge is in a budget of 50 times that cost. These little things such as paying fair wage can do so much and make a difference.

Then I think of my struggle and their struggle. I might be a few steps above the ladder from the way the world looks at it but I always aware that our existences are both precarious.

Each day, despite all our hurdles we get up and go and work...that alone I applaud...and each day we try to reach our dreams...

I laud work….however small and I pray we all reach our dreams one odd job at a time.

On Turning 31

I guess it’s that time of the year where I take stock of the year that has passed and perhaps say one or two inspirational things…perhaps.

Two people stand out as I set my other foot into the door of the 30plus club. The first is Cynthia Ayeza. Anybody who knows her will perhaps not be surprised. She was once a total stranger I met through another friend. She runs one of the best on line sites with African stories by African writers but more than that is the sheer light she seems to exude. She is happy by choice and I think that is what stands out the most for me. We have shared some deeply personal stories off the bat and that too has been a salve to this pained soul. Cynthia I can’t thank you enough but know that while the cynic in me may sometimes roll his eyes at your optimism for life, another part of me is grateful and I hope and hope and pray that nothing ever changes that about you. Thank you.

The other person, who I believe featured in my previous thank you piece is Edith. She will not read this because she abandoned social media hehe. But I guess when you are in the dark sometimes having someone there with you makes all the difference. We have stood back to back against our own demons and have helped each other through the dark time. I suck at all the mushy stuff but never doubt that I love you…I would behead superman for you.

Martin my partner in crime and righteousness. God never allows us to walk alone and even though he is always with us he knows the importance of a human companion. This year you have given me more laughs than I care to count, shared debates with me and have kept up with all my irritating habits. We might have started at the bottom but we are getting there…and remember the stuff you promised for my birthday…I shall be collecting.

A lot of the people I have met this year have just been the best and most simply for being whom there are and simply being a present friend. I know I have morphed into a silent brooding old man lately but you are a big part of my life.

On mental health

The other big part of this year has been my continued struggle with depression. Yes I know, I don’t seem like that usual candidate. But I guess everything and everyone has a breaking point. But while I could spin a sop story of how hard it is to live through dark days at noon and feelings so crushing you can’t get out of bed I would like to speak to anyone who has been through this whether it be a “mild case” or a much deeper struggle, you are not alone nor are you a lost cause. We (those struggling with depression) are much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We might be rarely understood but I guarantee you the world needs our gifts, talents and lives. Hang in there, keep taking those meds and let’s live. PS feel free to message me and let’s have a chat. You are not alone.

To all the other, depression is not a demon, a feeling or a fad. We “don’t do it” because it cool or because we want attention. The causes and the symptoms are as varied as those that suffer from it. What we need most is to be treated like normal people….irony I know…but being treated like with kid gloves, whispers and God knows what else does not help the recovery situation. It’s a very real struggle, more for some, less for others but a struggle none the less. You love, care and support goes a long way.

On Faith

This has been a big part of my life but I am done with church. Now before you get all hot in the collar keep reading. Recently someone asked me why I have become “so bad” and I jokingly said four years working in a church. There is still so much pain and bitterness attached to that period in my life and I fear I shall be dealing with the consequences for some time to come but deal with it I will.

I still believe faith is central to life…but not the concept of church as it’s practiced today. I have joked that church needs to be banned or burned, whichever comes church, in favour of home churches or at least smaller community based churches. I find that smaller units of faiths, sharing everyday life are a much riper place for growth and revival. Think of only going to cell (for those churches that do cell) or those room fellowships for the next year instead of the mega church services? I think it would awesome.

So if you do not see me for the more traditional church events don’t get worried, just pray and if you should gather the courage approach me and let’s have a conversation. If this for some reasons means we cannot be friends, it will be sad but I guess we each must walk our paths.

On Change

Everything changes and not always for the best. But such is life. I am learning to give the boat a little rope so that it rocks a little as the storms of life rock it in the habor and some times the the midst of the storms, i take down my sails and just go with the flow till clear skies hit and i can finally steer my life in what i believe to be the right direction.  I am not who i should be nor who i used to be...but i can assure you i am all kinds of me. 

The Girl who changed my mind

Once i met a girl...like any normal boy and girl we did what boys and girls do...we got to talking. She told me she wanted to be a teacher. I was amazed, humbled and inspired. She was the first Ugandan i met who, from S6 Vac, had the ambition of being a teacher. Now we all know how this is a profession scorned,or at least it was. But here she was loudly and openly telling us she wanted to be a teacher.

Fast forward several years and i meet another young lady...and like all young men and women do...we got to talking. She told me she wanted to build a school back in her home district. At the time she was studying from Bulaya (Ugandan vernacular term used to refer to countries overseas) , i forget which course, but she was going to channel all her monies and energies towards building a school. Again i was amazed, humbled and inspired. These two women sowed the seeds that bred and season of introspection. they taught me that, yes there is so much wrong with our country but only we can change it, not buy asking the government but buy actually doing something about it ourselves.

Fast forward several more years. I had just left my previous job and had started my photography business. Those first months meant i had a lot of time to myself. I pondered on my plight and that of my country. I wondered how i could make a change. There were so many more before me. Politically minded and social entrepreneurs...they were doing something but what could i do.

One of those many days, with too little in my pocket to pay for my fare home i walked down Kampala road. My head was literally bowed, glued to the pavement. Tired of all the self-pity i decided to lift my head up high...literally. I looked up, a little too high i guess, cause i found myself staring at all the shop signs that had hang above my head all these years but i never noticed. I love graphic design and so the signs intrigued me a little. "How much you miss when you always look down" i wondered.

I observed that many do the exact same thing; we look to our feet as we scurry around this city. I wondered how much we missed because we do not look up.

The next few weeks were spent looking up all over the city and noticing the shapes, the textures, the play of light and so much more.

i started taking pictures with my phone and later my camera....from this my Instagram Blog was born...a collection of images that show the other side of this Lovely city that has been my home all this time. It was my way of seeing my city in a different light.

But something bigger was born in me those few months. I realized that I can change my city if I change the way my peers looked at it. If I could just get them to appreciate this country and city perhaps they would be more willing to fight for it and defend it from pariahs of bad governance and selfish greed.

More than that perhaps I would inspire us to do something about our city, to plug the gaps where we see them and stem the tide of disrepair or despair.

I might not have a lot of money, but I have my camera and my eyes…perhaps through them you and I can see what an awesome Gem of a country we have and perhaps live lives that help it thrive and shine.

Oh and one more thing, I have chosen to randomly follow and promote all blogs and Facebook pages that build an authentic Ugandan picture in the hopes that someday we can all meet up, look back and say we did it.

I want to be like those two ladies a mentioned, sold out to my countries well being that i am willing to stand up and do something with my resources and what little grit i posses. So I am changing my country one image at a time…hopefully.

I wish i could write....

i wish i could write
but i cant
my eyes too tired
the hands to weary
and my heart too heavy

i wish i could write but i cant
my mind too race-y
dashing from thought to thought
many too scary

i wish i could write
but i cant
for an audience to heady
on their own ideas
captive of the trending trend
too busy liking

i wish i could write
 but i cant
too many people pretending
i know you just not getting
anything that i'm saying

i wish i could write
but i cant
because people don't read
no that's not true
they read but they don't heed

I wish i could write
but i cant
like a woman who gives of her fruit
i am tired of whoring my words
to an ungrateful horde

i wish i could write
but i cant
i have decided to gather my tattered virtue
and cast my pearls no more
before another steaming herd

i wish i could write
but i cant
No its not me,
Its you.

The problem is choice.....

Sometimes we need to find one single truth and hang on to it. Like an anchor in an out of body experience It provides the tether that keeps you grounded; allows you freedom to venture out but more importantly it allows you to find you way back to a safe place when all the craziness of doubt sweeps in.

For many of us, that hope was the idea that we were made for more. That our every step was ordered and despite calamity the ending was written and we won. There was this grand scheme in which, we were told, were an integral part, that without our involvement this great cosmic plan would Fail and that because we were such an important part of this plan all things would work out for our good.

This hope, this dream kept us grounded. We limited our exposure to sin and temptation and tempered our flesh with fasting and much prayer. We binged on the word as a stockpile of ammunition against the bombardments the devil would surely  send our way. We pushed through doubt, pain and fear, cheered on by the camaraderie around us.

Then we grew up a little. Suddenly the world was much bigger and out role in the cosmic plan grew larger. But I suspect more than that we suddenly were cast into an arena where the fastest and strongest survived. There was no room for weakness. The faith was separated into echelons and you were at the bottom.

You are still part of the machine, the great plan but you are such a small cog in a massive array of cogs and wheels. But unlike a part of an actual machine, a piece of forged metal that would merrily go spinning till infinitely, you are human, flesh, bone and blood and feeling and at that realization( your smallness) you are feeling a little lied to. I you were important but in light of all this you question your importance.

And so still hoping you take you place as part of the machine though your heart never really settles. A few spins and you start to wonder what the heck this is all about. You can see the machinery and hear it grind. You can feel the shudder and the shake and see the different parts accomplish some task. Some days you even feel the forward motion, but down here, in the heart of the belly of the beast all you see is wheels and cogs spinning towards some unseen and unknown destination. You know someone is driving but you haven the foggiest where or why.

I describe not the reality but rather the feelings we sometimes have to wade through. We prostrate before a God whose will and plan is absolute and even though he leans down and whispers in our ears we fathom it not and so we believe, have faith and hope.

We chose to believe, have faith and hope. That word choose…indeed choice is at the heart of this faith and we actually do have the freedom to choose to keep following. That is for me the real difference, the real reason that you should hang on; you CHOSE this faith. And if per chance you accepted because of fear, group think etc you must always chose or perhaps now decide to choose to stick to this faith.

Anyone who has followed my posts will notice I never hide what is going through my head and heart whether it be doubt or pain. BUT I am still here not because I saw some powerful vision or revelation but because I chose this faith and even now, while choked by the waves of this world I chose this faith hoping and believing that Jesus will reach out his hand and pull me up. I cannot give up or give in because I chose this path. And even if he does not save me, even now I still chose it….until the day I do not.

Hello Fear....

I was about to start this post with, “I have not written in a while” but I realize that is redundant. What is more important is why I haven’t written in a long time.

Over the last few months a silence has crept over my soul. I slow, dark mist, a dark miasma of dread and fear, like a fog on a marsh it has hang around for long. Nothing I do can dispel this, well let’s call it what it is; fear.

Fear! Andrew Pacutho,  afraid?  Those that know me will find this hard to believe and still some will say, “but we are human, it happens” I find the timidity and fear as puzzling as most and the reasons a little confusing.

For the first time my fear does not come from outside but from within. Not within my spirit or my soul but within a community that i have called home and family for the longest time.  It’s like being of a different opinion gets you cast into the pile of the weird believer or worse backslider or labeled with something akin to you don’t know what you say and if you were plugged right it would all make sense.

While I have argued this out with friends close to me I still find the idea that I cannot be broken and messed up in church totally wrong. It’s like going to a hospital and being stigmatized for being sick.  There are so many questions and so few answers. The usual mantra of “God’s word has all the answers” feels hollow. Otyooo!!! I just blasphemed or something right? If the teacher cannot make plain the text, then the text, or the teacher or the student has a problem. I suspect it’s either the student or the teacher.

But more than that is the fear to speak out against perceived wrong things in church because suddenly you are or have been made to feel unsure of yourself.  You can’t be right when you are the only one who seems to see things a certain way right? They can’t all be wrong. Can they? If you are wrong, how wrong are you and must you keep shouting if you are that wrong? After all if you were right other people would stand with you right?

These questions can drive a man insane. I am still searching for the answer, praying that a light would shine in this fog but until then I shall sit in the back silent and do battle with my soul.

I shall leave church alone….and hopefully church will leave me alone…for a while.

The Mountain Top and The Purge

Every Year we make resolutions. Every Year we fail at these resolutions. In frustration or protest some abandon new year resolution making while other find other ways to focus their year around simple achievable goals, new philosophies of self improvements or whittle away at their lists until they have just one thing they aim to achieve that year. 

i like to start my year with a mountain top approach and a yearly purge/renewal. For the mountain top view i start mostly before God. I take time to meditate and peruse the year past and the year ahead. I then ask for a general direction, an over arching leading so to speak.  It may be a sudden realisation about that year or a sense of energy and excitement that set the tempo for my next 365. Sometimes its an exact phrase or direction. Other times a sweep of the hand denoting an area that needs attention.

for this year, its excitement and a sense of anticipation, that leaning forward in expectation of something great and grand and with this the feeling of exhilaration and confidence that anything you set to do you will achieve. its like that newness that comes after a heavy downpour. Everything is fresh and new and the old and dirty has been washed away. Its a clean slate and you can scribe anew the paths for tomorrow.

The Purge is mostly about passing along all physical possessions that have served their purpose or would better serve someone else. Its also about getting rid of some of that clutter that builds up around my life, desk and closet over the years. This can be in the form of a donation to charity or selling some of these items and making better use of the money. I normally purge clothes. I don't give away old clothes, i try to give away perfectly good items that i just haven't worn that year or no longer fancy. Sometimes i still fancy them but realise someone else needs it or would look better in it hence i pass it along. Jeans, shirts, shoes and more are moved forward. If they are too old i donate to those willing with the express knowledge that these are old and worn. If i can re-purpose and up-cycle them i do so or give to people that can.

This last step is my way of reminding myself that things are not the thing and there is more to life. I am reminded that things are simply tools for a purpose or an end while having a mountain top is a chance for God to set the stage for my journey. Its me seeing the big picture that will keep me moving when i am in some deep dark ravine or remind me that there is so much more when i am at the top of some hill or mountain, a constant reminder that there is more to come. 

these acts can be a series of things or just one simple thing. I changed my computer Operating system for example. i spend so much time looking at this screen i figured what better way to reminder me of the newness of this year than a totally different way of working. I am getting rid of furniture(if you want to buy i have a huge table/Desk and a bookshelf) and some gadgets. many clothes wont survive either.

This year get rid of more...give more...

A Thousand (a very short poem)

See me

One thousand freckles on

my face

See you 

One thousand kisses for every

freckle on your face

and when i ran out of space

i will move to the rest....

of your body'

30 Rock: Partial musings on turning 30 (Saying Thank You)

I shall start by quoting the opening lines of Charles Dickens’ novel A Tale of Two Cities.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way

There is no better way to describe my year. So much has gone wrong and yet so much went right, and left and a little over that way. Yet as I ponder my birthday, I am grateful. I don’t know that I would do it any other way.

In the beginning as I despaired the state of my life, I chose to remember the people that have been there for me, stood by me and tolerated my shit. Being out of a job so soon in that year I decided I would dedicate this year to my friends and paying them back in kind…God knows I hadn’t a coin to buy them even a ‘rolex’.

To all the guys I met in Egypt, I cannot dare mention you all because 1) I probably can’t remember all the names 2) I can’t spell them right 3) Someone might get mad if I forget to mention them. But my flat mates both the ladies and guys apartment, you guys Egypt’s winter days livable.

To Hannington a friend in lean times, you are a man of few words but many stories. You believed enough in my dream to invest so much of yourself. I Hope that when I do make it in this photography business I can repay you one way or another.

To Diana, Beqy, Racheal, Pesh and Kamphat, my oldest friends both in time and age…lol…you guys have provided stability and way to remain anchored. You provide a window into the past and a reminder of where we have come from. I have the pictures to prove it.

Kamphat you have been a companion while I slowly came unhinged, with no judgment or condemnation you listened and allowed me vent. You have been extra special to me this season. I hope I can pay you back.

Edith, your belief in me has always been a buoy when the waves of uncertainty and doubt tossed me around. We have been friends and not friends many times but you have always been there when the dust settled. You saved my dreams and thus on many occasions saved me.

Adrian, I am sure you are shocked you are part of this list but for some reason you have always inspired me and challenged me. We have been through some pretty weird times and I you are a source of inspiration in these things of art and design. From the days in that windowless Equatorial mall office to Elemental Edge who you are has been an immense blessing. Just know I blow for you often.

Martin, gosh..this would have been a really terrible journey if you had not come along. Yours will be a short salutation mostly because Vegas never spills its secrets hehehe

Sarah and Jacky, even in this post you are together. Your unfettered love and compassion and generosity has made many gloomy days brighter. Just know that what you have done for me, well lets just say there is always room in my heart for you. There is nothing that you would ever need that if I had you I would not give you.

Sarah and Olivia, let’s just say that I am glad that some people still see the white underneath all the dark soot of life’s many battles. Why you have so much faith in me is still a mystery that I hope Is revealed soon kubanga me I am confused mob. Keep believing, it gives some of us hope.

Patience, there aren’t words to describe how we met. Random comes close naye it does not do justice. We have walked through some of my darkest and lowest moments, we have chatted, argues, laughed and more. I pray that I am there for you just as much as you have been for me. You deserve all the good life gives and more.

Odeke Onyait, you have been a constant challenge and inspiration. When I grow up I want to be as focused and ambitious as you are. May many good things come your way.

Allow me also to apologise. There are many friends that I let down massively this year. I am sorry. I hope that the gaff is not so big that we cannot overcome it but in the event that it is, well just know being your friend has been an honour and that I am grateful for the friendship.

When I am rich and famous and they ever asked me to write a book I suspect it would be a photo book with portraits of all the people who have been with me throughout this journey of life because each of you has taught me something that has changed my life or revealed something about me. You have nurtured and challenged my dreams and ambitions. You have supported and encouraged me, rebuked and corrected me, laughed and cried and simply shared life with me. For that I am grateful.

I simply could not have done it without you.

Imagine the Possibilities

I love the word imagine. It opens up possibilities and worlds like no other. In many regards its gives permission for people to let go of all restraint knowing that parameters have been set that allow them to safely dream.

Now imagine that these crazy ideas came true. What wonders would fill this world as each individual sought out that one idea that drives them daily or chased that fantastic invention or product. Indeed imagine.

Now imagine a world where every child was guaranteed not just good health, but an adequate education and after that a business mentoring opportunity geared solely to helping them achieve their full potential both for their self-actualization but also to improve their country.

Imagine a world where all businesses did it for the children. Child friendly policies i.e. no company invested in anything that would affect the welfare of any child be it psychological or environmental are the core of all company values. Imagine they did not just stop there but that they directly invested in children, education, parks, hospitals and research. Imagine a world where it was all done for the children.

The Child Rights and Business Practices seeks just this, a new approach to business centered around, not just the wellbeing of children but businesses that are investing directly in children. The first of its kind launched in Uganda, we join a global community of people that realize that children are the future and the present and investing in them ensures that our nation and our planet will have a tomorrow infinitely better than today.

Launched at an event at the Serena Hotel, the private sector, government and various CSOs gathered to reaffirm commitment and urge greater funding for children. For a country with more than half of its population under the age of 15 this push would serve to secure a better life for millions of children country wide.

Imagine this future. Now imagine we achieved it. Now let’s go do something about it.

One death too many.

I am back after ages with one very important message.

What would you say if I told you that every day over 40 people died daily? You would probably want to know what is killing them and where this killing is taking place.

What if I told you that this was going on around you, a silent epidemic of death happening across the country in health centers and homes across the country? All the victims of this epidemic are children under the age of five.

Just imagine the potential that is snuffed out daily. Yes I belabour the point of death simply because no one child should have to die from preventable causes some as simple as being able to make it to a health center in time.

18,000 children die daily in this country. 45% of child mortality is mainly due to malnutrition.1 in 18 children die before their first birthday while one in eleven before they are five.  Despite our ability to feed ourselves, 1 in 8 children go to bed hungry. These are some of the shocking statistics. There are many more that would break your heart.

Many of us don’t feel this because we live in urban centers and have ready access to health care systems. They may not be the best but there is a clinic or hospital within 10 minutes of most of our residences.

For mothers in the village, 2miles to the nearest health center is heaven. On average most have to walk 7 miles to receive any form of health care. We must and we can do something about this. We cannot sit idle back while countless lives are lost right in our back yard.

As a country we have achieved a modicum of success however we still need to do more to bring this number as low as possible.  

What can we do? For one educate yourself. One cannot change what they do not know or understand. 2. Engage, there are countless ways to be part of this campaign. You could support organizations like Save theChildren for one 3. Be pro-active. You have MPs, pester the. You have a voice, speak up. Raise awareness and let our governments and leaders no that we shall not stand for this. 4. If they will not help, gather like minded individuals from your area and adopt a health center or something.

Many health centers simply need things like surgical gloves, pain killers, mattresses or beds. We may not change the whole country in one sweep but we can save one mothers and child one small action at a time.

We now have less that 500 days to the deadline for the achievement of the Millennium development goal to reduce child mortality globally. Don’t stand idly by the side line. Be a part of the campaign in your own small way. Every child is you.

Why I signed the stop kutesa petition.

Let me be clear. No I did not think the petition would work and No I did not agree with the author of the petition riding on our (Uganda’s) unpopularity for its lay on homosexuality. Those were not the reasons I signed the petition.

I signed the petition as an act of defiance. It was An attempt however feeble at demonstrating my unhappiness with the state of my country. I viewed it as my chance to say to the powers that by, “I am unhappy” on a stage that was both out of their control and was in the lime light enough to draw some attention. It was a man’s plea for help in the passing headlights of a car despite knowing no one would stop.

I also firmly believe that for Kutesa to get that job would be a reward. It would be an endorsement of a man who while the law did not find him guilty is believed to have actually stolen billions for personal gain. For an illustrious organization like the UN such a tainted figure would not be allowed to take on such a responsibility.

Finally I hoped that this would be an opportunity for the above mentioned illustrious organization to prove itself true to its values. I have been proved wrong. I also viewed it as an indictment, a corner of ethics for the UN, a chance for it to hang itself with its own rope and in my books they have done so rightly cementing at least in my view their purely ceremonial and biased position especially in reference to third world politics.

That said there is a silver cloud to this dark lining. To take up his post Mr Kutesa will have to resign his position as a Member of the Ugandan Parliament. This means that his constituents get a chance at electing a new representative who hopefully will fight for their benefits and concerns. This too is an opportunity for the opposition to fill a vacant seat in the house and sway and already imbalanced legislature. If the Luwero by elections are anything to go about this, is a great possibility.

It also allows room for a moderate ruling party member to take his place either in parliament or as minister of foreign affairs. There are many among them that would be better suited. And if none should take his place that is of greater ethical grain…well we lose nothing.

Greatest of all good fortune is that this role thrusts him into the lime light. This is 365 days of full on international scrutiny from home and abroad into not just his alledged corrupt tendencies but his leadership and more. I cant wait to see what this light shall unearth.

In the interests of balance feel free to read these other articles on the subject and make up your own mind.

https://www.facebook.com/notes/ganzi-muhanguzi-isharaza/on-kutesa-uganda-and-being-a-patriot/741067942582873?comment_id=741323862557281&offset=0&total_comments=46&notif_t=note_reply

http://www.monitor.co.ug/OpEd/Commentary/Sam-Kutesa-has-many-critics/-/689364/2337314/-/sl8d5t/-/index.html?fb_action_ids=10152440370840605&fb_action_types=og.recommends&fb_source=aggregation&fb_aggregation_id=288381481237582

Following your dreams. Part…I forget.

Being the social media fan in the first stages of addiction that I am, the first thing that I reach for when I wake up is my phone. I turn it on, hit refresh and see the notifications come pouring in. this morning was no different except for the fact that I was sneezing like Capra aegagrus hircus which for all the rest of you is a goat.

So I came upon this copied text attributed to Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs, one of my favourite Shows when I have access to DStv.

”Stop looking for the “right” career, and start looking for a job. Any job. Forget about what you like. Focus on what’s available. Get yourself hired. Show up early. Stay late. Volunteer for the scut work. Become indispensable. You can always quit later, and be no worse off than you are today. But don’t waste another year looking for a career that doesn’t exist. And most of all, stop worrying about your happiness. Happiness does not come from a job. It comes from knowing what you truly value, and behaving in a way that’s consistent with those beliefs.
Many people today resent the suggestion that they’re in charge of the way the feel. But trust me, Parker. Those people are mistaken. That was a big lesson from Dirty Jobs, and I learned it several hundred times before it stuck. What you do, who you’re with, and how you feel about the world around you, is completely up to you”

I was like ouch. The truth of the statement hit me. This was me mostly any ways. But then I also hated on the person who posted it because they had it all together and seriously it sounded like some self-righteous drivel. That and many other thoughts and feelings races through my mental synapses in like the older brothers of a nano second known as minutes.

But I stopped myself. I brushed it aside. I would think about it later.

The funny things about social media and the internet, actually the media as a whole, they show only part of the picture. For every story, post, tweet, angle, there are several more to choose from, the story in the story, behind the story besides the story. As a journalist I should know.

The same is true for this brief excerpt of words of wisdom that Mike shared with us. This brings me to the crux of this article. Call it lessons I have learned from those around me as I chase my dream.

Do not judge yourself by the stories of the successful. Even in their most “candid” biographies the difficulties are skimmed over the successes glorified. I have read my share of these and they all seem to imbue the subject with special skill and what not. There are exceptions to these rules but many of them will leave you feeling…well feeling.

Don’t pace yourself like these people either. Different country. Different time, Different circumstance. Okay so person x started early in business by selling lemonade and from these early seeds a company was born…highly unlikely. There are all those years In between no one is telling us about. It’s like the dark ages or Jesus, no one knows what he was doing between ages 12 to 30. Set rigorous goals for yourself based on your knowledge of yourself with one notable exception, they should always even if ever so slightly exceed your limit. That way you shall keep growing.

Ask questions. Better a stupid question than a stupid mistake. Read all you can. I believe that the simple act of reading, anything and everything lends value in itself. Try these for a start. Immerse yourself in the field one way or another and shimmy up to people within your reach that can teach you. This last point is key. One thing I have found about Uganda’s so called successful is that their attitudes and manner to people who were where they used to be is lacking. So actually find someone who will teach you not just use you as a tool…

Embrace failure. Why you ask? It will happen and sometimes it’s the best evaluation of our whole selves. Failure is my greatest enemy and my greatest ally. However do not start an affair with it. Keep it close but not too close.

Be curious, always. Perhaps you could add be brave and be adventurous. Sometimes as you try to knock down a wall on one side, a door might open on the other. Take the side paths and the detours. Sometimes they have benefit in themselves. The best route to your destination is not always a straight line. We all start from somewhere.

Seize opportunity, any opportunity that affords you the chance to learn.

Follow the rules, break the rules, and toss out the rules. Key is, sometimes there are no rules. Make some along the way. In all you do, the only way to get to where you need or want to be is to stay aware of your destination and whatever the road is, keep walking.

P.S> here is the whole link to that Mike Rowe article. When you read the whole thing it puts that little excerpt in perspective. Here is to your dreams coming true. Keep walking.

I AM AFRAID OF BEING SPIRITUAL (probably this is part 1)

I know weird right?

In my senior four vacation, I attended every almost every overnight (all night prayer). Those that know my church know this was no ordinary feat. There used to be on a good day 10 people in a cavernous cathedral with only one drum and two hoarse and sometimes off key worship song leaders and the endless hours of the night ahead.

In my senior years of my secondary education I was at church every evening. My school was a walking distance away and so this was not particularly hard. But I was there literally every evening even on days when I was doing my final papers.

I volunteered for every mission and outreach program or activity I could. I was part of the youth team responsible for camp prayer and boy did we pray. I prophesied, dreamt dreams and saw visions. There were words of knowledge and works of faith. I prayed for hours and read books by the spiritually mighty, every biography or text about anointing, spiritual warfare, gifts, prophecy, prayer, miracles and more was my daily reading diet. I was in the mix. But I don’t do that any more.

What happened?

Did I backslide?

Have I lost something?

I don’t know?

I guess something snapped, broke, or shattered into too many pieces to put back together. I don’t know. I just know that the things that I used to do and feel so proud of I no longer do and care little for. According to some I am less spiritual.

Do I still read my Bible? Yes. A little less religiously but I peruse through it from time to time. It’s still difficult now as it was back then. Do I still pray for hours? Yeah….if you combine all the minutes and seconds that I fire questions and mumbles and random thoughts at God, they do come to a couple of hours. I don’t do much of the outside gymnastics though.

So this morning I woke up early and decided to pray, asking God that I would be closer to him and such and the moment a picture of that earlier spiritual lifestyle flashed into my head I recoiled. I don’t want to be spiritual like that. Instead what I am now suits me. And what is that?  I will tell you.

I am broken. I am fed up. I am tired and I am real. Why do I prefer it this way? Well it’s easier to live life. I don’t have to prove anything to God or man. I don’t have to have it all together all the time. I don’t have to know all the answers. Prayer is simplified. Faith is simplified. Life is simplified. I don’t have to rack up "spiri" points to qualify or do the "spiri" stuff to fit in. I don’t have to walk the walk and talk the talk of the church simply that of the faith I have chosen.

I sin a lot. I repent a lot. I am committed a lot. I walk, I stumble, I fall and I crawl but ever forward is my motion. I am unsure and uncertain most of the time but my next step is assured and illuminated and that’s all that matters. I have no success; I need no success…well not in the common understanding anyways.

I am hungry but I am full. I am weak, constantly but aware that there is a power assigned to me. I don’t like going to church or attending services except perhaps for the fellowship that follows the religious gyrations of the service. I am steadfast but always changing, evolving growing.

I know where I want to be, need to be but I am content with where I am knowing that I am always a traveller, constantly pack and ready even though the sojourn last a while. I am content with the house but always looking out the window to the distance, waiting for the call, the urging. Then I will gather my things, sweep my abode and walk, looking back no further on towards what is real and truly spiritual…whatever God reveals that to be.

The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.(why mega churches are wrong)

 .

If there was one sentence that would personify my sentiment it would read simply “I am tired”

Before you scroll on expecting another rant…hmmm…I guess you should scroll on because this is indeed another rant but one worth reading…I hope.

I shall start with the title of this piece. Wikipedia refers to The Tomb of the Unknown Soldier as “a monument in dedication to the services of an unidentified soldier” and were first suggested during the First World War. The tomb normally contains the body of a fallen soldier deemed unidentifiable and this representative of the many heroes that fought to defend their nations and freedoms.

The stories of soldiers of yore who even as history considered confined them to the wrong side of the conflict still fought for the same reasons the good guys did, and died defending those ideals. To give the ultimate sacrifice takes courage and humility. Many a soldier will get a medal but even more will die unknown deaths and therein is my conundrum.

So here lies the start of my rant. I am tired of mega churches and super star pastors. I am tired of the Hollywood style pulpit sets and the media tweaked TV spots, programs and promotions combined with the well-oiled social media machine. I am just simply tired of the self-conscious self centered churches of my day and age.

Jesus was famous but he never advertised. I highly doubt he would have built mega synagogues. I am sure of these because Jerusalem probably had some big ones out there and he could have taken ownership and turned them around. But he did not. He actually seemed to not care too much about what people said about him except when it was to push The Gospel.

So why do we do all these things. Being a journalist I understand the need to get our message out. In fact I think with all this tech is just silly not to do so. But who is at the center of these publicity spots, is it Jesus or the “man of God”?

Let’s take those mega budgets and actually turn them to helping the communities in which we live and in which our churches are located. Build a school, open a home for vulnerable teens, run a soup kitchen, start an adult literacy programme, initiate crisis pregnancy centers, start a carpentry workshop, fix a road, drill a borehole, for goodness sake do something that actually benefits the community long after your church building will be long and gone.

When I get to heaven I shall look down in shame because we spent millions of beautification while at the same time cutting down outreach budgets, we bought stronger locks for our doors just to keep unwanted people out and promoted a brand of Christianity that placed the building and the service men above the heart and mission of the Lord Jesus Christ.

I believe like that soldier we are called to give of our lives daily for our family, friends, nations, continents and the world in general and like that soldier the only fame we should be is that we have been given and not that we seek.

Here ends my rant.

Thanks be to God.

WHY I love women.

My previous blog post about my love for women stirred up a little dust devil. Not enough to warrant tornado warning but enough to prompt me to explain a few things.

There is indeed a thin line between love and what I shall call lust. It’s almost an imperceptible slide from an admire glance to a leering stare, from suave and cool to creep and gross and the sad thing is that the only way you notice is when the females start giving you a very wide berth.

I will also admit that there are days when my look was not so innocent. I shall not defend that. In fact I shall say I knew what it was. However there are days when my glance was just that a glance and with it an appreciation for the female form. This “other” glance happened often enough for me to start asking the question, “is it possible to actually look at a woman without intent to undress her with your eyes or engage in coitus and or be misunderstood and sent to church to be exorcised of demons of lust” because here I was looking but not having all those bad feelings attached.

This has led me to a couple of questions and conclusions most of them based on common sense and a general remembrance of scripture. Apologies again, I do not normally remember scriptural specifics.

So this is what I think. Eyes were made for looking, bodies for admiring and the brain and heart for regulation while the bible provided the said regulation and code of conduct.

I love women’s bodies. Yes I do. I am sorry ladies but a walking brain is not that attractive. A brain within a beautiful shaped head with a pleasant face; now that is attractive. Like the proverbial chicken and egg type story, I wonder what is worse being stared at too much or not being stared at all.  I am not a woman I will never know.

Just because we have eyes and they have awesome bodies does not mean that we have license to be lascivious. Outer beauty is what attracts the bee, it’s the inner beauty that keeps the bee or keeps it coming back.

I love women because they are not men. I love that they always normally seek togetherness over men’s competitiveness. I like that they intuitively know when you are hurting and somehow have the right thing to say. I love that as a man, my woman’s (is that offensive) support means more to me than anything and gives me courage to attempt to climb mountains.

I love their brains. I love a woman who can read, and cook and watch TV at the same time. I just love that they can do that. I love that women see beyond just the chiseled chin and statuesque figure to the kind, gentle man within.

They are mothers, carers and nurturers and they don’t even have to be their own kids. My mother is a woman. That counts as a reason to I think hehehe.

Women are resilient, resourceful and strong. They endure the greatest storms and still come out radiant and beautiful most of the times. They never stop loving. They would die for those they love. They are open with their sentiment and professions of said love.

They are gently, kind, thoughtful and many times generous. They cry….yeah I know that does not seem like a positive but trust me a good cry sometimes beats a good gym workout.

From the top of their heads to the tips of their toes; from the depths of their hearts to the widths of their hips women are awesome. They are awesome and mysterious in so many ways I am struggling to find a way to list the. Simply put women are women and that’s awesome.

This is the other side of the beauty coin. We need both sides, at least as men and both sides are what make up beauty. While beauty (on the outside at least) is only skin deep, the insides without the skin would be fascinating but a little creeps I think and all those aeriform goodness would have no individuality or identity.

It would be impossible to list down the WHY of my love for women but I hope I let those around me know every day that they are beautiful both inside and out.

I Love Women.

I Love women. I wish I could back that up with some spiritual jazz and perhaps a few scripturally correct placements of women, showing how they helped me achieve some spiritual ideal. But sadly that is not there.

I just love women. And I love to look at women and no I do not mean porn.

I have been cursed with what I call the triple blade of ecstasy. Yeah I know that sounds weird. But I will explain.

I am a sanguine. According to all the reading I have done sanguines have a weakness of the fair sex and this ranges from the harmless friendzoned nice guy to the full blown ladies’ man cherry popper to the downright low dirty hit and run player. For us women are a special constellation under whose stars we are always happy and giddy. It does help that we and the ladies get along.

I am a choleric. This is my more dominant personality trait. It has along of dark over tones but the most relevant one here is the fact that I have an eye for detail. Trust me I notice the weirdest and smallest things. For many of my friends, especially the ladies, this has been both a curse and a blessing.

Thirdly, I am an artist. I come from a long line of artists. This allows me to appreciate the simplest things and see beauty as it is. Anyone who has done a simple course in are knows that the female form is a big part of art. All manner of art based on the female form. Enough said.

To this already volatile mix add a dash of the male gender and you have an explosive mix, Trinitrotoluene baby.

But what’s the use of all this random information. I have no idea. For a long time I have struggled with the fact that I actually love looking at women. In my early years this was directed to pornography and objectifying women. I noticed that it made me look at women with motives of the acts that I had seen on the screen. Being a hormonal teenage adolescent did not help. It took me a while to wash that stuff out of my system but honestly even now it’s one of those skills we practice every day. Covenant with our eyes sort of thing.

The other thing that happened when I was much older was that I found that I was able to look at women without the attending weird motive. I could actually appreciate the art in some of these paintings and photographs. And I was totally confused. Had I stopped being sensitive and was I now enjoying this stuff because my conscience and spirit was seared? Could I not appreciate beauty without it feeling dirty and wrong?

I suspect that conundrum was made us start the whole beauty on the inside business. While I agree with it, I think its one side of the equation. There needs to be the other side that balances it out. These two as one part of the calculation are worked out with God’s word and his will on the other side allowing us to seek, find and walk in that narrow path so to speak.

A word of caution though.  I could use the above argument to mask a porno habit, or lust full tendency…it’s a thin line between art, eroticism and pornography. To stay Pure is a constant daily battle and I bring myself before God daily even as I buffet my flesh.

A word on porn. I cannot stumble upon porn today without being made sick by it. some may say this is the best example of women liberation and sexual freedom but there is nothing beautiful or virtuous about porn. its gross and sad.

A word on sexcentric pics. i love photographs and follow many blogs pro and otherwise. i alway get pics of selfies showing off ass or figure, which in themselves are not sinful, God forbid that they were cause we all have one and some bigger than others, but when your sexual bits (for lack of a better word) are all you are proud of or all you seek or see as a man, both the viewer and the picture taker make me sad.

Please share, what are your views on beauty especially physical beauty.

Abolish Church...

I am not always a good christian at the best of times but I did promise myself and God that I would be at least an honest one, about myself and the things around me and what my thoughts are on them. This blog perhaps is a product of that.

That being said let me also warn you that what I do suggest at times and share may be borderline…to what I am not sure. So just come with your seat belts buckled and your neck well exercised cause you shall be shaking in agreement or disagreement or puzzlement or all the above.

So here goes. I think we need to abolish church. There I said it. I am of the opinion that church has done more harm to Christianity than any coven of witches has or can. Perhaps I shall dive into the many ways I think this has been done, or not, but here are a few reasons why I think church should be banned…or perhaps highly regulated.

Church(s) are too busy running themselves to actually pay attention to the business of feeding the flock. There is a reason why Christianity moved away from the synagogue setting to the house church or away from centralized worship to community based services.

Over the years, as a church gets a lot right its gets popular and this means that more people start attending. So what was at first a small house church of 20 max is not twice that number which means pay attention to all the finer details and as they do this the cycle continues an before you know its you are 1000 people needing a building, full time staff and some sort of over sight committee. This in turn means that the flock has to pay more attention to the running of the church. This then means that the great commission is slowly but surely pushed aside until its forgotten.

The other knock on effect of this is that the flock is no longer built up to survive in all terrain and environments but to depend on the church and So go from independence to dependence. I must point out that the institution on which they are now dependent cannot meet their needs 100 percent.

Having worked in a fairly big church setting for four years I have seen how the voice of God is sometimes over looked because of the “more” pressing issues of salaries, the staff does need to be paid, which in turn drives policy away from doing ministry but to making money or at least saving money.

Now any good leader knows that for every effort there must be some show of output or productivity. But in the things of God one cannot easily quantify or qualify monies spent towards a certain end after all he who tills the ground does not always get to reap in this system of God’s. so money goes away from these “obscure” goals to more real and “needed” things like maintaining church property etc.

Don’t get me wrong, this is all well and good and since we do have the mega churchs,some of these policies are m much needed. However we must constantly remind ourselves of the main existence of the church both a witnesses and a community for growth and community change.

So if this is not being  done or with all the resources poured into the mega church with a limited and or minor out put or rather lasting output we must, must rethink how or what we are doing after all insanity is same  methods expecting different results each time.

Why is this critical? Well lets be plain, the church is failing to make and impact and where it used to make a difference is losing ground.

Imagine for a moment If all the major church in this city went community centric. They found out where all their members lived and encouraged them to meet in that area. They then trained lay pastors or lay people to constantly visit these weekly meets but also the individuals through out the year.

So borrowing from the old testament:

Ex 18:20-21

Teach them the decrees and laws, and show them the way to live and the duties they are to perform. 21 But select capable men from all the people — men who fear God, trustworthy men who hate dishonest gain — and appoint them as officials over thousands, hundreds, fifties and tens.NIV

Imagine the impact this would have as we steadily split and grow and split and as more and more people are taught to be their brother and sisters keeper. Imagine also the load that shall be lifted off pastors and the paradigm shift most of us will have when faced with difficult questions of faith.

The benefits of such small community centers of fellowship cannot even begin to be listed. The cell based system that has been adopted by many urban churches is a small picture of this but even that comes screeching to a halt a few sticks shy of a bundle.

Imagine all those massive church building turned to services that actually meet needs in the community from schools, community centers, kindergatens, roving clinics, soup kitchens, thrift shops and even convert those parking lots into sports and play centers. I promise it shall be more appreciated than those loud prayer over nights we carry out most Fridays.

Imagine pastors whose main job description went beyond the church pulpit to actual consistent constant home visits where he knew his community members my name or at least could pick them out of a crowd and walked their journey of life and faith with them.

Imagine a church that put people first and was the center and heart of a community meeting needs all round. Just imagine a church that was people centered before it looked at popularity.

Let’s move away from people coming to church for service to the church going to people to serve. Centralised offices might be needed but definitely not service.

Like the late Mac Elvis I have been a church boy all my life but I can promise you that I am continually looking elsewhere for my needs to be met.

Church as it stands now is in critical health. Even now I hear the scythe of the grim reaper as he draws ever closer. The church must adapt or die. Perhaps i am just being too dramatic hehehe.