Wednesday, May 2, 2012

A journey into alien horticulture and sustainable development:


Ohn Tuk Gore: Chief environmental expert


If the evolutionists can be believed we have clawed our way from primordial soup slowly adapting to the environment until voilà we have developed into these bipeds with developed brains and an insatiable desire for drink and illicit sex.

This journey of a thousand miles was began on one fateful day of boredom when some life forms figured, “hell we can’t just sit here all our lives” and began swimming,  swimming,  swimming till they came to the edge of their world and from there they just kept swimming. These energetic little buggers then reached terra firma where they spent a few gasping moments by the beach staring at the sun…or whatever it is that illuminated their world. Their little fish gill…wait their little life form breathing apparatus slowly, over the course of a day or so, evolved into complex air breathing apparatus.

One fellow called Johnny looked at his friends and quite bored, again, and parched said to his companions, “Let’s keep walking”. This fishy thing came to be known as John the walker and was the first in the line of many John Walkers who, driven by their primordial thirst first developed a really tough drink later known as Johnnie’s Walker later named Johnnie Walker which was ironic because the later really did not make anybody walk but fall flat on their face. It still does many years later.

But I digress, back to the walking, which must have been difficult really because it was a foreign world and the concept rather new, mind boggling even. Anyway with each little…hmmmm….walking apparatus they then…ambled forward…which was rather excruciating I must say but endure they did and somewhere down the road their fragile little fins got the hang of it and soon they were running along as far away from their watery world as their little fins could carry them.

Over several miles and generations this primordial horde was becoming too large. Along the way they had developed into quite the race with such advanced technology that their watery counterparts were most of the time blown away.

It was this rapid promulgation of the species that caused the various little creatures, which in all honesty were not so little anymore and looked nothing like their ancestors, to hit the top and ricochet into various directions hence becoming the seeds of the various nations. Ma-Ah Semba-Tya a little lively fellow known for his love of lying in the sun too long wished to find warmer climes and hence veered off to what was later known as Africa. He just wanted to get away and the warmer it was the better. He was quite hard to miss seeing as he had become darker from all that lying in the sun business, or was it the gods that cursed him. No one really knows.

By the way G.O.D. was a concept developed by the various evolvers to explain things they could not explain. It later developed into a multi million dollar industry but was inknown to its many proponents hurtling to its destruction as the hands of science millennia later. They did not know this back then but it was…seriously.

Any way James got carried away by a cyclone and was deposited on a small section of coast that years laters, for reason really not known to him, was jerked from the rest of where he used to be. One moment he woke up and he found himself all stranded on an island that weirdly enough came to be known as England. This was particularly weird becaue ENG was normally used to express atmost shock. So when he woke up early that morning and looked out his window all James could cry was ,”Ennng”. His neighbours heard him and called it Ennng-Land.

A couple other veered off and settled in what was later to become Canada and USA. I shall skip over this section because they have quite the garish grooming methods. Their barbers miss the mark altogether and many people end up with the most horrid bold spots ever seen.

A few others headed of in this way and that, each adapting along the way and developing some astounding abilities. There are those who were known for copying other peoples stuff, and still others known for high end tech stuff. Some just become good at making other peoples stuff cheaper and faster and not always better. There are too many to note down here but walk down to any decent library and there a many a book to explain this stuff to you.

All the while these guys kept walking and once they got tired of that they developed other ways to move about with each new one becoming faster and faster and faster. When they got tired of writing letters which took month to reach anywhere they turned their attention to that and broke many a milestone in that area. When that become boring they turned to the stars. Now that is where the trouble started.

Let me interject here and insert a bit of history. During all this helter-skelter run to get away from the boredom of their ancestors’ lives to deal with their boredom they started something called the industrial revolution. This really got things going because they came up with machines to do everything and soon people, tired of farming went to work in factories which took produce and made stuff out of it like it took cows and made ice cream and cheese and stuff. All you needed to do was throw a cow in at one end and with the touch a burton and the turn of a dial you got some pretty amazing stuff out the other end.

But this method of doing things was really thirsty. Because it was so first it required millions and millions of “raw materials” to make stuff. This meant that the earth had to produce more and more and well mother nature could not keep up.

This then brings me back to the starts and the earth and that horticulture I was talking about. Unknown to the humans, that is what they called themselves, there was another race that has taken this journey before them and it had been watching them for a while.

Alien aka Aliano. They get really brownish reddish
when  they are mad.
This race was so much more advanced with a penchant for green living. It was not pleased at this and eventually sent some expeditions to earth to assess the damage. These expeditions were funded by the Unilateral Life Form Regenerations and Sustainability Association which was then shortened to Unilateral Life Form Organisation also known as UFO for short. Any way couple of them were sent out and each of them came back saying the same thing which was that we had made a mess of things and a couple even said they got a glimpse of the very primitive life forms there.

Any who there were so cross at what we had done with the world that they sent out probes which were stuck peoples bottoms to try and deal with green house gasses and when that did not work they just sent ‘Noah’s Ark’ probes that collected a male and female pair of every species on the earth . They then sent one of their chaps to inform us of the eviction notice they were giving and ideally ‘poof’ was supposed to be the next thing on the agenda.

Well we all survived this with promises to do better. Its was really a big deal back then. It was recently made into a movie. You might have seen it. The threat of eviction still stands though but has hat to be enforced.

 Besides by that time I am sure we would have eaten our selves out of health and home and they will not have to do anything about it may be except just some ploughing, bush fallowing and replanting of stuff and then they can send back all our kidnapped species and set the ball in motion all over again.

I sure hope johnnie boy does make it out as well cause his liquor is mind boggling to say the least.