1. Severe despondency and dejection, accompanied by
feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.
2. A condition of mental disturbance, typically with
lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in
life.
Synonyms
3.
This has never been something that I am
comfortable talking about. I am not even sure why I am writing about it
cause some of these things are too close to heart to leave to the whims of
the internet nor am I the talking type…especially on such matter.
Perhaps it’s because I had my second minor episode
recently and I have had lows most of my life after that. I never even knew I
was depressed until I got out of it. I don’t know how I got into it and
even how I got out of it. I just know that I was in it.
I have witnessed my own shares of sadness of life
experiences but non as dark as the one I suffered while at university. It was
one of the darkest times of my life and I say that with no hyperbole. I am
dead serious.
Even now I can remember what I felt, what my days
were like. I wondered where the sun had gone and that when it came out how
come I could not feel its hear. I remember being a zombie of sorts in that
period, I went to class but after a few minutes I was bored senseless.
At first I was confused as hell. I could not
explain what this was all about. I had never been out of control and
laughter had never been far from my lips but here I was despondent as a wet
feline.
I felt had just taken residence in the orbit of a
black hole and all my life was just being sucked out and every minute of
the day. Funny how i was always up early during this time something that I struggled
with all my life. I was almost always up with the first rays of the sun. I was
highly organized and neat. I don’t think my various abodes have suffered
such meticulous cleaning since. I showered, had breakfast, washed up and
cleaned my room and then just went back to bed, curled up into a the
nearest possible fetal position my stocky frame would allow and drift in
and out of sleep, a kind of swing between ponderous waking thoughts and
twitchy dreams.
I can remember my room quite well, small, and
quaint almost, with no ceiling, revealing the underside of the clay tiles
on the roof. I remember wondering how it never leaked as I expected it to
when it rained. I remember the grey metal framed office chair with the
think cushions and how it matched with my monochrome grey tv. I remember
the yellow painted walls with the uneven plaster and the brown of the custom
table-shelf, the only other furniture in my room.
I vividly remember all these things because I spent
almost a month within those four small walls, withdrawn from friends and
all the things I loved only coming out when I was too hungry or my bread
had run out.
Those were dark days.
And then recently an old familiar despondency
descended. I was up early as usual but that same lifelessness had crept up
on me. I just lay there…I did not want to do anything. It was then that I decided,
“hey, maybe it’s time to face this again and maybe, just maybe admit that I
could be prone to depression”. That maybe I should be doing something about
it. I called up a very close friend, and she was terrified. In fact I texted
her and she called back worried. I was touched.
Looking back I have had my moments and near missed
but I have soldiered on. I have refused to allow my life be ruled by
something that I believe the God I believe in can help me not just deal
with but eventually overcome.
But I need to continually realize that this is something
that can happen and that I need to be on my watch and on my guard and I need
to constantly watch for patterns and triggers.
There is so much more to this tale than I can bear
to remember and type, perhaps in many more post to come. In case you have
some of these symptoms it does not mean you are depressed but I shall
highlight the ones that I did have and I think are real indicators.
Again, please note that some of these symptoms
occur in other scenarios as well so I guess professional help may be a good
Idea.
It was important for me to not lose hold on my
faith so I read my Bible diligently during this that in the hopes that when
God did move, he would kind some kindling stored up within me from which to
start a fire to get be all warmed up inside and back to sanity. I don’t know
if it worked, but I know those words were a line that I gripped on tight
and the fear of total insanity in some strange way kept me sane.
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