And right there
is the heart of my quandary. When I was growing up choosing “full time”
ministry was like the loftiest goal a Christian would have. Our scripture union heroes were those that had
quit or passed over “lucrative” chances to serve God instead. That was true denial to self and true answering of the call of God.
Today it’s a
different story. Men who chose the “ministry” are scrutinized more and those
that blindly walk into a profession are only questioned if the number of zeros
to their salary is requisite and if they are what figure is at the beginning. I
do not know how many times I have been asked to make sure that ministry is really
the path God has set for me.
I feel like a
man stuck in a time warp of sorts. Here I was, in the prime of my life, in a
game whose rules had been changed. I feel like I am taking part in a game with
an outdated rule book as my guide and being given a thorough butt whooping.
The world and
the church by extension applaud winners. Nobody remembers who comes second they
say. If two people walk the same path and one succeeds and the other fails,
well the one who succeeds is revolutionary while the loser was probably 'delusionary'…this was not his true calling.
You see
failure(s) is no longer well received in today’s church either. It’s either
condemned or soothed away with the message of grace. And as far as I saw it I
was a failure. I was quitting a good job for ministry.
The response of
the faithful to my decision to leave a “big” job in one of the leading
corporations in town was nothing but confusing. I think part one of chasing your dream goes into detail of my fears and more but the one comment that stood
out for me and today still rings in my ears was one made my a close friend. He
said I was being lazy and did not want to work hard and was using church and
ministry as an excuse.
That left me
reeling both from the meaning of the statement and the person who had spoken. I
am not sure I have truly fully recovered from that. It was the seed that I am
now constantly fighting to uproot. It is the doubt that has become my
proverbial thorn in the flesh.
You see if your dream was to be at the top of this or that corporation
then today’s game is for you. But if your dream was
“mother Theresa” in shape or form, you have
your work cut out for you because nothing about today’s world or church,
in so much as I have experience it, is rarely rooting for you Unless of course
you win.
When they do
listen they want you to present them a clear “ministry plan” of how this is
going to produce dividends (saved souls) at the end so their money can be well
spent and every time this comes up, well how do you explain a desire to give
yourself towards the discipling of people, the provision of a home, a place of comfort and refuge
where the weak, tired, worn can come and receive some “chicken soup for their
souls”.
Every time these
issues come I say. “Hello fear, I have two fist, faith and a promise let’s do
this cause backing down and backing out are not an option.”
Ding! Ding!
Ding! I’m ready for one more round.
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