Hard on the inside and hippies.

I am clumsy when it comes to writing about my life. I would like to blast away and craftfully share the deep insights of my soul but I end up going on a tangent and I obfuscate the facts.

I am unsure about sharing of myself or rather about myself. Originally I never saw the need to share ‘stuff’ about myself because I was never weak nor was I in need of help from many people. If I had a problem I knew where to take it and me always sorted things out. I was iron clad.

Then come the ‘Hippies’ all touchy feely and ‘in tune’ with their emotions and feminine sides. I was berated and lambasted, cajoled and convinced until gradually, more out of obedience to scripture about being open to rebuke and teaching, than from any confidence I had in the whole concept of being sensitive.

Allow me run amok thought-wise; I doubt there is any scripture where you can find God described as nice. I doubt you can point to many points in the Bible where God was ‘kind’ or sensitive to the feelings of the people. I am sure you will not find any verse or phrase which somehow revealed that God did some self-editing just because the fragility of the brethren was in jeopardy.

So anyways, back to the story. I heard and re heard this and chose to be the vulnerable and sensitive person that everyone told me was a better person and would make my life and relationships easier.

The moment I opened up was the moment the first arrow of hurt and betrayal zinged home. I learned that many time people will tell you that you need to be a certain way just because they are uncomfortable with the fact that you have chosen the high road or such other thing.

All my advocators were suddenly unavailable to give the same response they had encouraged me to give sometime maybe perhaps begged me to apply and suddenly it dawned on me, I had been hood winked, twice, and now here I am naked and without armour and the cloud is darkened by arrows.

But, all that said I cannot say the experience is not without its benefits. I miss and prefer the former Andrew but I doubt he would make God this happy and I doubt he would be able to do certain things. So I put all in the hands of God, where it a ought to be.

Philippians 3:13-14

New International Version (NIV)

¹³ Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.